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How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/He didn't end anything, but just disappeared? How do I move forward with no closure?

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Hi,

I've known this guy for 7 years. We've been best friends since high school. I trusted him with anything, and we had an amazing bond. We've been there for each other through so much. I've never felt so comfortable around someone. Whenever we had falling outs, he always found his way back to me and we worked it out. Basically, he's someone I thought I would always have in my life. I viewed him as a genuinely kind loving soul. Which is why this current situation hurts so deeply.

About a year ago, we finally admitted romantic feelings for each other. Since the start I've suspected that he felt that way, and he confirmed that he has. So he's had feelings for me for 7 years. We both were too scared to say anything for fear that the other wouldn't reciprocate. After admitting it, everything was near perfect. I never felt so loved and so cared for. He would do everything for me, even down to simple things like holding doors open. He's a complete gentleman and I was so happy. I know him well enough to know that he was too. He would look at me and just smile from ear to ear. He told me he's never felt this way about a woman, not even his exes. He told me that he could "stop looking," that he found the person he wanted to be with. I felt like I was walking on clouds. We jokingly discussed what our wedding would look like, and what we would name kids. Normally I would be weirded out discussing things like that, but I knew him so well that I was comfortable.

Then everything went downhill. We finally slept together, after a long time. That's another thing about him, he never pressured me. He assured me that he would be "perfectly happy" just seeing me, because he knew when the time was right it would be worth the wait. I know him, and he's not a player. He's more of an old soul (or so I thought). After we did, he started to distance himself. He assured me that everything was fine, but that he wanted to WAIT until we slept together again, until it felt right, and to focus on us emotionally and just enjoying each other. This is when my mistakes started. I got very insecure and kept pestering him to assure that he cared. He always did but I know I annoyed him. I doubted him and that hurt. It kept on and on, and he kept saying things will be okay. He said he "wasn't giving up" and that everything will be fine and to bear with him. He told me to "stop worrying" and all that.

Then one day, he text me "good morning" and since then, he's been GONE. It's been 5 weeks now. Nothing. He's blocked my number, his Facebook is gone, unfollowed me on other social media. It's like he's completely cut me out of his life. I absolutely feel blindsided. I know he's okay, his brother said he "seems fine" but that he never really shares anything with him or their mom even. He's ignored any type of contact (I wrote to him apologizing and assuring him I'm not angry) and nothing. He has been hurt by exes mistreating him and he does have bad ways of dealing with pressure. He's said before that he "stops caring" and focuses on himself. I know I was overwhelming and annoying but I hardly think it's worthy of being completely shut off.

Should I assume this is a break up? How do I move on when I have absolutely no closure and no IDEA of what happened? He never said anything like "I want nothing to do with you" or "never talk to me." How can he stop caring about me after 7 years and such a strong bond? It's been over a month but I'm an absolute wreck. I've tried so hard to move past it but I absolutely can't. I want so much to hear from him and to know what happened. Is it possible that once he sorts himself out, he'll come back? Or should I just move on? I feel so used and discarded and betrayed.

Thanks for your advice.

Answer
Julia,

while it seems that you felt that the relationship was long lasting because of your friendship behind it, it doesn't seem like he was reciprocating, which led to you feeling very insecure and doubting your relationship. However, don't blame yourself. It doesn't seem to me that you have done anything wrong and from the looks of it, it seems like you were acting as any girlfriend would. At this point I would stop apologizing for the things you've done wrong, since you haven't done anything; also stop reassuring him that you're not angry. It seems like he's trying to get his way out of this easy and without any scrapes and bruises, but that's an unrealistic expectation when trying to get out of a relationship like a coward. I would assume this as a break up, but I would also leave him be from now on. Let him come to you and until then, enjoy your life and try and distract yourself.

Good luck

Becky

How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups

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Becky

Expertise

Any questions pertaining to relationships and break ups and how to deal with the aftermath of a break up. Break ups themselves require intense coping mechanisms to deal with the immense pain, which are ones in which I have dealt with myself personally and have researched extensively to be more well equipped.

Experience

Have been and is currently an Allexperts volunteer who deals with relationships and relationship issues daily. I have also myself gone through a tough break up from a relationship that lasted 5 years.

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Allexperts Chai Life Line

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Bachelors of Arts from York University Canadian Certified Teacher from Niagara University

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Allexperts

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