How to Breakup/Deal With Break Ups/Did I do the right thing?

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Question
I'm 22 years old. A little over a month ago, I broke up with my fiance and I can't help worrying that I made a mistake. We met when I was 18 and he was 40. We got along great right away and were together for 4 years. This year I started a new job, and one of the guys I work with looked at my ring one day and asked me if I was married or engaged. I told him I was engaged and he said I didn't seem happy about it. I tried to assure him that I was, but he said I didn't even smile about it. We would talk now and then and I found myself becoming attracted to him and I tried to ignore it. During my whole relationship, I never felt attracted to any other man. A few weeks later him and I went out after work for drinks. I knew my fiance wouldn't have a problem with this because he never got jealous of me hanging out with other friends, male or female. Anyway, as I started drinking I started opening up to him about my relationship. I started telling him the things I didn't like, and I'd never really told anyone before. For one, I really want kids and he made it clear he wouldn't have any more because of his age. Also, we are different religions and I'd tried very hard since we got engaged over a year ago to find a common ground and he refused to discuss it. He was very critical of my body and how I dress, even though I'm very in shape and I think I have a great body. He would get mad at me for spending money on shoes or purses even though I used my own money. We never lived together and I paid my own bills. He hated tattoos and ignored me for 2 whole weeks after I got one. Whenever I did something he didn't like, he would ignore me for days, almost as punishment even though I told him it felt totally disrespectful. I'm a very giving, affectionate person and I feel like over time he started to take it for granted and got very demanding. He almost never said he loved me because he said the less you say it, the more special it is. He rarely gave compliments and he would joke that it was because he didn't want me to think I was too good for him. I felt like I was the one putting all the effort into the relationship. So, I started telling these things to this guy I work with, and I ended up having too much to drink too quickly and suddenly got sick. He had to carry me out. He took me to a hotel and took off my pants and shirt because I got sick on them. He laid me down on the bed in my underwear and just laid down next to me not touching me until I sobered up. When I felt better again, we started to cuddle and eventually had sex. I knew there was no way I could go back to my fiance after that, because he didn't deserve that. So I took a week to figure things out and then went to his house and told him I loved him but I wanted to have kids and I knew I wouldn't get that with him, and asked if he wanted to talk about anything. He said no, so I left. I didn't mention anything about anyone else, because I knew it would crush him and that wasn't the reason anyway. He didn't try to talk to me after that, which started to make me really mad. I felt like if he really loved me and wanted to marry me, he would fight for me. He didn't. At first I felt great being single. But lately I've been feeling guilty. There were a lot more good things than bad, and we had a lot of good times together. I feel like I broke his heart. He was never married and even told me when we started dating that he never wanted to get married. Finally I got him to change his mind and then I break up with him. He's been my longest relationship, my previous one lasted a year in high school, and my fiance was the first person I had sex with. So maybe that's part of the reason. I know this sounds like a really screwed up situation. I'm just looking for an honest opinion. Was I right to break up with him? Is it normal to be a little sad even though I dumped him? Thanks.

Answer
Rachel

Re read this letter as if your friend wrote it to you.

To be blunt,

The answer is YES, you did the right thing.... because you should have never been in a relationship with such a loser in the first place!

Every day with him would be a lost one, he was never going to change. No one ever does.

Before you go too deep with another, go to counseling and find out why you were willing to let this person walk all over boundaries you don't have, but should, and why you put all your good assumptions on him like dressing him in a suit of your own making.... when clearly he has none of these characteristics or motivational thinking you are placing on him, going on.

Do you understand that those were your motivations and thoughts, not his? He simply didn't care that much but you were "there" so he took advantage at an easy mark.  

Find out why you made these choices and then excuses for him the first time, so you don't make this mistake again.  Also go into both the "saving someone" issues, and "the daddy" issues. You should not really be attracted to someone who could be your dad. Then go celebrate that however you did it, you got free of this one BEFORE you married and really messed up your life.

Get some good counseling to have a more healthy focus for next time, by learning more about YOUR motivations, wants and desires and why......!

Best,

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Sonya Snyder

Expertise

All questions related to breaking up with someone in a mature, appropriate manner, based on the individual situation.

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I have become something of a requested expert on the subject of how to break up with someone for the best possible outcome for both parties. I can help all ages with this advice.

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BA Journalism, nearing completion of my MA, Forensic Psychology, continuing on to my Clinical Psychology PhD.

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