Expert: Julie - 10/14/2006

Question
Hi Julie, I just recently (meaning 3 days ago)  broke up with my boyfriend of a year. I made this choice for myself because I was dying slowly, suffering from verbal and psycological abuse, and neglect in my relationship. In the middle of our relationship he broke up with me because he broke under the pressure of commitment and gave me the "I think we need space" exscuse. I was a wreck and a month later I took him back. For a while I thought things were bliss again, however the same qualities that he possessed when he broke up with me the first time started re-surfacing, distraught over this, I felt myself not getting enough of his attention and always was forgotten on his list of priorities. My spirit was dying and I needed to get out. So I did. Now I spend countless hours staring at my cell phone in hopes he would call and admitt he was wrong and he loved me. No phone call ever came. I cry at random intervals throughout the day, however overall I am fairly optimistic that my life is going to change for the better and that I in fact can do this.
But somehow those insecure feelings seem to eat away at my stomach constantly that I made the wrong decision and that we are ment to be and I should keep it together even though I am unhappy. How can I put an end to these inhibitions, and move on with full recovery?

Answer
I too was in a situation like yours...and even though my ex was extremely verbally abusive and physically as well, when I left him, I too cried a lot and wondered if I did the right thing.
The thing is you totally did the right thing! Of course its going to hurt, of course your going to remember the good times and miss that..its funny how when we leave a bad relationship, all of a sudden we don't remember the bad as much anymore, and we remember the good only..
People always told me, focus on the bad! Which I think is a good idea but sometimes our feelings still go back to the good. These guys know how to take away our self esteem and which we never really had in the first place if we actually stayed long enough to put up with their crap, but they just beat us down so much that theres really no self esteem left! So by the time we leave them, we don't really have any left.

Thing is I can guarantee, your ex will NEVER change. Guys like that are always this way unless they get help, and even if they do, it takes a long time before they do change for the better.
Trust me you'd only go back to the same situation.
I grieved over my ex for about two months, it does take time..and yes I kept checking my cell to see if called..
Finally I just went and got my cell # changed so I wouldn't expect that call, and it really did help. I just took it one day at a time and kept reminding myself why I am out of this relationship. And now that i have moved on three months later, I have never been happier, I am so glad I looked past the pain and kept moving on because I have reached a point where I am so happy, and I'd never go back.
Trust me you will reach that point too, just keep remembering that, even if it doesn't feel like it.

If he calls and you are feeling weak and take him back, remember one thing..you will soon find yourself in the same situation, and its inevitable that you two will break up again, and you will have to start over and go through this all over again..why bother wasting anymore time? Your lucky you got out now, a year later, I tried for four years and things only got worse over time.

Just hang in there, and trust me, you WILL feel better, and wonder why you put up with it for this long.

Good luck...Julie