Expert: Julie - 10/20/2006

Question
Hey Julie,
My name is Jen and I think that you are the greatest. I have read all your comments back to people and I think that you are very helpful. I would like to share my experience with you and ask for your help too. This is my story:
I dated my ex for 3 1/2 years. It was a great relationship, he was a good person. I have to say he was a great person because he was always there for me for anything. The thing is that I never LIKED him, like physically attracted to him. I always thought that I could do better too, but overlooked all of that because he was such a great guy. Now after 3 and a half years he decides that he is no longer in love with me. He said he wanted to take some time off for himself. I don't mind. The only thing that kills me is that he is seeing another girl. The other girl is very pretty and now I'm very jealous. I saw their picture together on MySpace and got very upset. I went to his house to drop off his things and actually saw her on his bed. THAT KILLED ME. Now the thing is I know we have no future together. (I have too much going for me, while he has nothing) How do I move on from this? I REALLY do love him though and I feel betrayed that he's seeing someone else RIGHT after me. It kills me. Oh and he tells me that he wants me back but I know it's not sincere because the other girl is still there. I'm done with him and just need advice on HOW to move on. I'm sick and tired of being depressed, grumpy, moody, and suicidal. Please give me some good advice. Thank you so much for listening. I also am a good listener and usually give good advice, but I can't help myself in my own case.  

Answer
Thanks for the compliment! I know what you mean, can give advice but can't really help ourselves..
I totally know what you are going through as my ex also found someone else right away and then tried to come back to me while he was still with her. I found out the reason he did this was because if I rejected him then he at least still had his girlfriend.
It is hard to find out an ex is seeing someone right after us, but unfortunatly its what a lot of people do to make the break up easier.

Everything you are going through is very normal, depressed, grumpy, moody and yes I did feel suicidal too, although of course I never considered it. I didn't even feel like I had a reason to get out of bed..and thinking of my ex with another girl was a whole other thing..I couldn't handle it.

How I moved on was I did my very best to stay as busy as I could. I know everyone always says, stay busy, go out and have fun! And its no consolation because you just want to be happy NOW. But I took it one day at a time..knowing that one day I will be happier, and knowing I will get over this.
I took peoples advice and started going out more and doing things I couldn't really do while with him..it helped to pass the time at least.
I also stopped contact for him for at least a month to detach from him. Once I did that, things got easier. MUCH easier!
Then I made a new routine for myself because I was so used to my old routine with my ex..and started getting together with my friends more and then things even more easier for me because I had a different life from the one I did with him.

See when we break up with someone, all of a sudden theres change in our life..the time we spent with them is gone and theres this void where we once spent with them, now we are alone..and don't know what to do..but if you find things you enjoy doing and start hanging out with friends, it will get easier.
At first you probably won't have fun and you might be miserable but after awhile, you will find yourself having fun and enjoying life again. But I can't stress how important no contact is at this time. Its very hard but its crucial if you want to move on.

Good luck, let me know how you are doing..

Julie