Expert: Julie - 10/11/2006

Question
JULIE, YOU SAID I SHOULD NOT CALL HER, BUT THAT'S THE THING...I NEVER CALL HER. SHE CALLS ME (ALWAYS). YESTERDAY SHE TEXTED ME, AND ASKED IF I NEEDED MY ROSARY FIXED (I BROKE IT AND SHE OFFERED TO FIX IT). WHAT THE HELL..I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. ALSO YESTERDAY SHE HAD A REALLY BAD DAY, AND CALLED ME CRYING ABOUT HER JOB, AND CONFIDED IN ME. I COMFORTED HER AND TOLD HER EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT (WHICH IT WILL). BUT IF SHE IS MOVING ON, WHY DOES SHE CONTINUE TO KEEP CONTACT WITH ME AND KEEP ME AS A FRIEND? SHOULD I KEEP AWAY AND AVOID HER CALLS? I DON'T WANT TO END UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE. BUT, LIKE I SAID, WHEN I DID MENTION US, SHE GETS MAD (SO I DON’T ANYMORE- THIS IS THE WEIRDEST BREAK UP I HAVE EVER BEEN IN- LOL). BUT WHEN I JUST TALK TO HER, SHE LAUGHS AND TALKS FOREVER. ONLY THING IS THAT IT IS KILLING ME. "HELL HAS NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN'S SCORN" (SO TRUE). ALSO, IF YOU DON’T MIND ME ASKING, YOU SAID YOU WOULD GET MAD WHEN YOUR EX CALLED YOU AND ASKED THE SAME QUESTIONS THAT I DID! WHY DID YOU GET MAD?  THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR GREAT ADVICE JULIE.  HOPE YOU CAN FIGURE THIS ONE OUT.
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Followup To

Question -
MY GIRLFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN BROKEN UP FOR ABOUT A MONTH NOW. WE HAD A FALLING OUT WHEN I COULDN'T TAKE HER BABY'S DADDY ALWAYS BEING IN OUR LIVES.  ALSO MY BROTHER AND HER HAD A FIGHT AND I TOOK MY BROTHERS SIDE (SHE SAYS I NEVER BACK HER UP).  I BROKE UP WITH HER (FOR A DAY), TO SHOW HER THAT I WAS MAD ABOUT THE EX-HUSBAND SITUATION, BUT NOW SHE DOESN'T WANT TO COME BACK. SHE NOW WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME, BUT I CAN'T TAKE BEING JUST "FRIENDS" BECAUSE I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH HER. I ASKED HER IF SHE MISSES ME OR IF SHE STILL LOVES ME, AND SHE JUST GETS UPSET AT ME EVERYTIME I MENTION IT. SHE DOESN'T TREAT ME LIKE SHE IS STILL IN LOVE WITH ME. SHE TREATS ME AS JUST A "FRIEND."  I ASKED HER THE OTHER DAY, WHEN SHE CAME TO SAY HI TO ME, IF SHE STILL MISSES ME,AND SHE GOT UPSET, AND SAID "OK, I HAVE TO GO."   SHOULD I TAKE THIS AS A SIGN AS THAT SHE IS MOVING ON? SHOULD I STAY AWAY FROM HER? I THINK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME AND I WANT HER BACK. BUT WHEN I TALK TO HER, I FEEL VERY WEAK, BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO TELL HER HOW MUCH I MISS HER.  WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND I DO? I SEE HER AS BEING VERY STRONG, AND I THE TOTAL OPPOSITE. YESTERDAY, WHEN I ASKED HER HOW SHE FELT ABOUT ME, AFTER SHE GOT MAD- SHE SAID "I THREW US AWAY." I WOULD LIKE THIS QUESTION TO BE ANSWERED BY A FEMALE. TO SEE HOW THEY FEEL!

Answer -
I would honestly say she is moving on. But it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or miss you..she's probably just acting strong. I know when I broke up with my ex, he would call and ask me all kinds of questions like you do her, and I'd tell him I am doing good, and I have to go..and then I'd get off the phone and get really upset. A lot of people dont want their feelings exposed so they act strong.

But then theres that chance she really has decided to move on because of everything thats happened. I understand how you'd feel about the dad being in her life but of course he is going to be a part of the childs life. But if he was excessively a part of their life, its understandable that you are upset..there could have been arrangements made for him to see the child that didn't involve her..but these are always sticky situations.

If she isn't coming around, I'd say its time to let her go and back off a bit..and stop with the phone calls.. keeping in touch, asking questions and then not hearing what you want to hear never helps in healing or moving on.

Well good luck..Julie

Answer
Hello again!! Well, when I break up with any ex I still go to them with my problems you know why? Because when you are with someone, you always go to them with problems or if you just want to talk about something..and when you break up..its hard to break that, everytime something happens, you just want to pick up the phone and talk to them. Even though I broke up with my ex because it was a horrible relationship, I still wanted to tell him things going on in my life because its a force of habit.
Even though you were bf/gf you were still friends too and when you break up, the bf/gf bond is broken but the friends part still usually remains..its hard to just let that go.

So if its bothering you or upsetting her, you need to cut off contact and ask her that from now on, for now..if she needs to talk you can't be there for her because you are trying to move on.
This is what I did with my ex also.
But after not talking for a month and a half, and me having moved on, we are now talking again, as friends, and its no longer painful..and thats exactly what you need to do.
I can guarantee if I continued speaking to him for the last month and a half, I would not be over him right now.
But that month and a half break, helped me get over him..of course the time frame is different for everyone..some people may need longer..but you get my point.

As for the questions, actually, he did call yesterday and asked the same questions again "do you miss me? Do you still love me? Do you think we'll ever get back together?" and I was annoyed yes...
Because for one, I don't like to let him know how I'm feeling. If I were to say, yes I miss you sometimes, then he may see hope for us, and I don't want to give him false hope. Or even if I were to say I do still care about you, he'll also get false hope. I also don't want him seeing any of my weak side..I want him to know things are great with me now and I've moved on.
As for the question will we ever get back together? No one can ever predict that. I don't go along, thinking one day maybe...you know what I mean?

Well good luck and if you have anymore questions, please feel free to write back...

Julie