Expert: Julie - 8/18/2006

Question
Julie,

I just broke up with a girl that I have been with since I was about 16. Together for 3.5 years. I'm 19, and she's going on 18. Anyways, we have both cheated on each other and we both promised that we would never do it again. That lasted for about 6 months. I know her so well that I can sense it or get that "feeling" when something bads about to happen. Lately, she had been acting funny and I knew something was up. She kept telling me to stop accusing her of cheating all the time or it will make her go and do it. Anyways, I was going to go to the mall with one of my friends and was waiting for a bus. I got that "feeling" and so I called her up and she was home. So, next thing you know we find out that the buses stop running after 4 pm and so we started walking back. That's when I seen the most messed up image in my head. I seen her car (and I know it was hers. I know her license plate #) and she was heading in a direction. East. She has been talking to this guy on the phone lately and I tell her to stop because last time she talked to a guy on the phone she cheated on me. Anyways, I assumed it was his house she was going to. I called her up and she turned around and we talked. She said that she was going to go to his house because, "Because I knew you weren't going to the mall." She always plays them games with me. You know what I mean? I've had enough though. She emotionally abused me and manipulated me. I could never hang out with my friends without worrying about her. I let her go with her friends all the time, just as long as I know where she's going and if she answers her phone when I call. I trusted her. But she screwed it all up again. I am really, really, sad. I wrote her a letter because every time I try to talk to her she goes, "I don't want to talk about it." So I figured writing the letter would get her to hear me out. Anyways, we had the best memories together, but I think it's time to separate. She's not doing her side of the fair share. I believe I am doing the right thing. I sat and cried this whole morning at work in the bathroom. I know she still loves me though, but things aren't working out you know? Not compatible or something. I walked from work today from my house and went to her house. She was sleeping and I woke her up and I started crying. I rubber her back and played with her hair and she knew something was up. The only way I can leave her is if I just leave. Cut loose. Because we've tried it before and we just get back together and then we go through the same stuff again. I told her to just go to sleep and not to worry about me. I love her so much that I want her to be happy. If she wants to be with that guy then let have it. I even told her that. I left her the note anyways by her phone so when she wakes up she will see it. It was a really nice note like saying how we have to go our separate ways and all that mush. Anyways, now I'm back at work.. wondering how I am going to get over this. She will most likely call me back and beg for me back. I can't take the pain anymore though. Am I doing the right thing? If we get back together, she will keep doing the same thing anyways. She didn't cheat on me but I know she was about to that day. I know she loves me, but is that enough to stay with her? Help. I am really confused.

Answer
This is definitly an unhealthy relationship and it won't change, she won't change. She knows by now she can do what she wants and you take her back and forgive her. I've been there too...she will never stop cheating. It really is hard to let go, but you are doing the right thing...the  bottom line is, eventually you two will break up over the same issue eventually but the longer you wait the worse it will get and the more painful it will be.
Just simply loving someone isn't enough to stay with them. You need trust, and you don't trust her.
Without trust, you have nothing. It doesn't sound like she's ready to settle down yet and it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too, she will continue to hurt you..

Its time to make that hard move to let her go..and it will hurt for a while, but it won't be forever!

Good luck...Julie