Expert: Julie - 10/3/2006

Question
Hi, Julie. I will hide behind the name Derailed, a 26 year old male in suburban california who recently got dumped by my boyfriend (who i will refer to as CT) shy of 3 years. I am very hurt and emotional right now. There is nothing I want more that for him to change his mind, but I have a feeling that won't be happening. Still, granted our history, I am still hoping.

I won't bore you with the details of our history, but the one important thing I want to mention about it is that in the 2 years and 9 months that weve been together, I have been dumped by CT 4 times before. The intensity of the break-up and the reasons for the break-up intensified as it went from 1-5. At first it was because I was annoying and hot-tempered. It escalated into "I don't love you like that anymore." He was no longer attracted to me and was no longer interested.

In the months leading to the final break-up, I have noticed he would pass by my place less often, phone calls are short and distant, he sounded bored and we never had things to talk about. I confess that i was also lacking in this department. Sometimes I would rather not talk and find him boring. But I loved him just the same. Now he got a new job around this time, and had also started hanging out with new friends. One of the new friends is gay apparently. And thats how the big fight started. CT wanted to take the gay friend out to a gay club, and had initially invited me to go. I said ok, and a few minutes later CT tells me that the guy doesnt want anyone to come along (the guy is in the closet and didn't want other people to know was the excuse). So he said I may not go. I felt hurt and obviously started panicking. I called him and was obviously pissed later that day (the day he was gonna take out the guy). They never did go out, but CT passed by later in the night and told me were done.

Initially I have been thinking of dumping him because I did not want to have to be jealous of this coworker all the time. But when he gave me the news, I pleaded and tried to change his mind. To no avail. His reason was the same as the last break-up: I don't love you like that anymore. All the other break-ups he changed his mind, that is why I am conditioned this time around that he still might.

I really love him. With all my heart. And I dream about us literally getting back together. He is on my mind every second and I am hit by extreme waves of depression, panic and self-pity every hour or so. Please give me advice, Julie. I'm very sad and could not move on.

What can I do to change his mind?



With respect,

Johann

Answer
Unfortunatly theres nothing you or anyone else in a break up situation can do to change someone elses mind. If someone makes up their mind to break up, then their mind is pretty much made up..
You sound like I did in my last break up..I loved the guy but we were bored, etc same reasons as you...and I wanted to break up also but as soon as I did, I was upset, and wanting him back and missing him. Thats normal..if you were to go back, you would have those feelings back, and you'd both be unhappy anyways.
I understand you still love him very much but thats not a good basis for a strong, lasting relationship.
A break up will be inevitable anyways.

I know how hard it is to move on but you have to try..it will be hard at first, it always is..but sometimes no matter how much we love someone, its not always meant to be..
keep focusing on how felt BEFORE the break up...not on how you feel now because you are lonely.
Once I accepted that it was easier to move on and now we are great friends and I'm glad we broke up because looking back, it never would have worked out either.

Good luck...Julie