Expert: Phil - 2/19/2005

Question
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Followup To
Question -
Dear Phil,
I'd like to say that I admire the website you're a part of very much. I think that a free expert advice forum is a wonderful idea and I hope you can offer some suggestions to help me. I looked at some of your entries and particularly liked “Should I break up with him?” 12/24/2004 – only I hope you could give me a little more advice than you gave her! Please forgive me if this email is very long, but it's something I'm really, really worried about, and I'd be very grateful if you could give me a reply that's not too short. My situation is this: I'm 24, and English teacher living in Shanghai with my girlfriend, who is Chinese, 22 and has been with me for just over a year. Her name is Lulu. I want to break up with her, but I don't know how to do it. I wrote to Dennis several months ago, the same problem. His advice was short and to the point – end it now. I wasn't able to.   
I should start by saying that it's not a problem with Lulu. She's lovely - kind and sweet. I don't dislike her; it's just that I don't love her.
This is a very painful situation for me, not really for my own sake but because she loves me very much, and this is really hurting her. I've already tried to break up with her twice in the last year; each time she burst into tears - heartbreaking, sobbing tears - and begged me not to break up with her.
I am happy with her; she's a lovely girl, and lots of fun to be with; but I don't see us as having a future together; and she knows this. We've had a lot of rocky times, and recently it's been getting worse. Sometimes she talks to me about getting married, and it obviously breaks her heart when I am less than enthusiastic.
I just don't know what to do. The last two times I tried to break up with her were very, very painful. I don't know if I can go through it again. But I'm convinced that we will break up sooner or later, and that the longer we wait the more it will hurt her. It will hurt her for so many reasons – she will feel rejected, she will be broken-hearted, and she will be terrified of the disapproval of family and friends – much worse in China than in the west. Not to mention that I'm in Shanghai, a very exciting place and would like to enjoy myself. Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like without her (preferably because she left me – ran off with a new boyfriend). I would feel much freer. John Gray said that men argue for the right to be free, women for the right to be upset. I know that I sound coldhearted, especially with that comment.
I admit that I've been an idiot and done everything very carelessly; my idea was just to find a girlfriend for my time in China (and why not? I asked myself. All the other English teachers do it). Lulu is my first girlfriend; at 23, it seemed high time to find one. Perhaps this doesn't show me up very well.
I'm in a dilemma here; I really, really don't want to hurt Lulu, but the only way not to hurt her is to give her something I can't – to stay with her indefinitely. At the moment, my only solution is not to bring the subject up. I'm just afraid of it and avoid it. And also, I'm really scared of the effect that it will have on Lulu.
So my questions are these:
Should I break up with my girlfriend?
How can I do that, given that I don't want to hurt her?

Please help!

From a spineless, confused and inexperienced reluctant boyfriend,

Rowan.

Answer -
It sounds like I have a fan!

Well let me get a few things out there.

We tend to have short answers because we get lots of emails a day.  Most of the time I try to find an easy solution with a few quick sentences...  once in a while someone will come with something complicated and I need to write a bit more.  It depends on how much information I get.

Anyway...  Let me tell you the tale of (well a part that might help you see the answer) my real life "Worst Break Up."

This happened to me half a year ago.  I'm still feeling the effects today...

I had a girlfriend.  To say that I loved her very much would  be an understatement.  I was with her for 2 and a half years.  She left town for a while and we made plans for me to follow and move in together upstate.  I was still seeing her a lot and was only 3 months from moving in with her.  She cheated on me and left me.  I tried to talk to her to see what the hell she did that for and why she let me believe for the longest time that we were going to live together and get married.  What she told me was "I wanted to break up with you for months (!!!) but I was a coward...  I'm sorry for decieving you for so long... After I started cheating on you I just coulnd't let myself do that to you anymore and so I broke up with you..."

Thing is... I could have cheated on her with 4 different girls.  Now I don't mean maybe cheat or might have cheated... There could have been even more that just never said anything... I mean 4 girls that flat out told me "Your girlfriend would never find out!"  1 girl even climbed on me while I was sitting on the floor and kissed me!  All these girls now have boyfriends...  Now one of these girls I have wanted to date for 5 YEARS!  Thats right... The girl of my dreams I gave up for my ex...

This is only the beginning.  I have always been on bad terms with my parents...  I told them I was moving out and that I hated them and blah blah blah...  Yeah... She broke up wtih me... Then I had no roomate.  One of the first things I was going to do after I moved in with her was get a job and save up for the ring... THE RING!  Yeah...

Not to mention I went to a community college (I could have gone to any in the state easily) to stay with her longer before she moved 4 hours away...

Yeah...  Point is had she broke up with me prior to moving away... I would have been fine.  Well maybe a little down for a while but not half a year.  I wouldn't be checking my insurance to see which doctor I can go to get anti-depressants...  Yeah...

So when Dennis said, "Break up... NOW!"  That was the short answer.

You just got the long answer.

The longer you wait the more you are going to hurt her.
Please for love of all that is good... Break up with her.

Now as to how to do that... Explain to her that you like her but marriage is not something you see anytime in the future with anybody.

If you want the full details of what else to say I'm going to have to know if:

A. Will you be able to move out and live somewhere else?
B. Will she be able to move out and live somewhere else?

Email me again and let me know as soon as possible.
Hope my long story didn't bore you.

Good luck.


Dear Phil,
Thank you very much for taking the time to write your letter - I'm sure you are very busy. Your advice sounds good to me. Thank you for the story; it certainly made me feel much better. You had a really bad deal there, and I hope you have better luck in the future.

Having reread the letter I sent you, I find that I still agree with everything in it. Sometimes I feel quite confused about what to do; we have had a lot of very happy times, but although I can imagine us staying together for longer, I can't imagine there being a happy ending. The only happy ending, as far as she is concerned, would be for us to stay together indefinitely. I don't want to hurt her more - and I don't want to waste her time, or her life. She is going to be hurt not only by me breaking up with her, but also because afterwards she doesn't have many friends and will be very lonely, and is worried about her family and friends shaming her.  
I'd be really grateful for any more advice. This is my first break up (why is it they never taught me anything about this in school?) Currently we are living together in a flat I pay for. Lulu can't move out into Shanghai, but there is a company that promised her work where she could stay; and she could go back to her parent's home in a city north of here, which she was planning to do in April to finish her studies at University.
I'm worried about how to put it to her. About what to say. About what to do if she begs to stay with me (which is very painful) or becomes hysterical. About what to do if she asks if I love her or loved her (would yes or no be a better answer?) I know this sounds very cold-blooded, but it's so hard to choose the right words and so easy to hurt unintentionally. And I'd like to know what you think about what to do when we've broken up.

Thanks a lot,
Rowan.  

Answer
You could stay with her and try to get her to meet people so that when you leave her she isn't left alone.  That might sound like a stupid idea but it's a thought.

You should just be honest about why you don't want to be with her and let her know.  Just stay strong and remember even if she begs or hates you or whatever that it is for the best.
Give her some time to prepare to move out or whatever.  Maybe you should find another place to stay while she packs or whatever if she can't handle you being around.

After you've broken up I guess you can do whatever it is that you wanted to do...  You might want to keep some contact with her if you think she can handle it.

Good luck.