Expert: Julie - 10/19/2006

Question
So if she broke up with me a month and a half ago why is she  still unsure about this relationship? Isn't the first three months the "crush" time...you know the most happy? She gets adult ance when she is stressed and she is fully of adult ance and looks like crap. I have been the person who did the breaking up and this is not what happen with me. I gave my ex space and focused on the new woman in my life. So what she is doing is just boggeling my mind.


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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
First off I am a lesbian. My ex broke up with me a month and a half ago. She basically is a commitment phobe and of course I thought I could change her. Well I got her to the point where she actually asked me to move in with her and I meet her family. A first! We were together about a year and nine months (living together a year) when she found out another woman at the office was a lesbian. After only two months she broke up with me for her.

Since I moved my stuff into her house I slowly packed things hoping that we could work things out. After two weeks I moved into a friends place and left my stuff at her house. Finally after a month and knowing she was full on into her new relationship, I got the nerve to have the stuff moved into storage while I looked for a house. She didn't know when the stuff was being moved, but knew it was going to be soon. On the Tuesday night before the move I left her a voice mail that basically said "look I can't be friends right now..you are to obessed with your new girlfriend and there is just nothing to talk about between us. I will call you when I'm ready". Well the next day she called me 4 times before the evening. That day I had the movers come and without her knowledge moved my stuff out...which by the way is 99% of the furniture. After getting home she called me again 3 times and left a message. I did not call back. Then she called me the next two days in a row say are you okay...please call me. After those two days she called me 3 times on Saturday and then finally called our mutual friend whom I am living with and asked them if I was okay. They said yes and to give me some space and respect my need for space right now. Well that didn't do anything. Now I seem to be her morning routine...she calls me every morning and does not leave a message. What is happening? Why is she obessing over me instead of her new girlfriend! Should I talk to her or just stick to the month of not speaking with her?

Thanks.
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I think its best you stick to not talking to her..she sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She obviously still cares about you, but isn't willing to leave this new girl for you. And usually when people enter a new relationship, theres always doubts it will work out, so she could very well also keep you around in case things don't work out, which of course you don't want to be someones second choice!

You are doing the absolute right thing by not talking to her and I think you need to stick to that right now.

Good luck..Julie

Answer
Thats the thing, we never know whats really going on in someones head..or why they do the things they do but it sounds like she still has feelings for you and can't decide either way what she wants, and ya she may have a crush on someone but if she's still got feelings for someone else, it might be wavering a bit. I know my ex found someone new and was happy with her for a good three weeks before his feelings for me got in the way and he started calling again..you and her already had a relationship established and this new crush, well things in the beginning are always uncertain..
She's probably just experimenting with the new person and doesn't want to lose you in the process..thats why she calls..but I think you are doing the right thing by backing off..because your ex needs to decided exactly what it is she wants or who..and move on with that person.

Good luck...Julie