Expert: Julie - 8/2/2006

Question
i was involved with a girl who had a child which from the get-go i knew would be a problem...i tried to give it time and maybe i would accept the kid...afterall its not the kids fault...that never happened...people always said if u love her ull accept the kid...then i think of the future where if we were get get married that i have to give that kid attention like its my own and supoprt it financially...then if we were to have one, mine would be equal to hers or id be favoring mine...plus i never felt like i could ever do anything like reprimand the kid or argue cause it wasnt mine...as if to say when the kid got older and got confrontational...god forbid the kid ever said "u cant tell me what to do, ur not my dad"...id flip my lid...anyways...we were together for a year and a half...we had some amazing times...we also had some horrible times...its funny though cause as bad as the times were i now only remember the good times...we split up twice during the course of the relationship, once for 5 days, once for 2 weeks...i kinda wanted to be a permanant split after the 2nd time but i didnt wanna be alone which is kinda selfish...its funny cause things we said we would work on would temporarily get fixed and then it was back to normal...i know that in a breakup its never really a 1-sided thing...im at much fault as she is...i did love her though she just had alotta negativity and way too many expectations...at times i felt like she wanted to get married just to get herself "outta the whole" that shes been in since she was 18...of course i would never have told her that...i also felt underappreciated at times...her whole family life was screwed up between her realtions with her family members, her having a child at a young age and even if u look at her family history, everyone is divorced...she always held it against me that i came from a "storybook" family like it was my fault that she grew up all screwed up...i will admit that at times i was thoughtless and at times i just had bad luck...i really dont see myself any different than any other guy though...the 2 major issues she had with me were that i rarely had her over my house to see my parents and that i never took her away...i had reasons for that though...for not having her over was because she had her own apartment that i felt comfortable going to and we had privacy since i live with my parents, brother and sister...plus i would always have to pick her up and bring her home which is a pain in the ass cause she doesnt have a car...the reason i didnt take her away was because we were 2 different people when i came to going away...i would like to go places that had big nightlife scenes...she wasnt into that as much as she says she liked to go out...i knew it would only lead to an argument so rather than me pull my hair out and spend all that money i said screw it...i mean we went on some small vacations but never went on a plane or anything...either way i never held any restrictions on her...i always let her do whatever she wanted and never was a possessive asshole...that means alot especially in the profession we work in where guys will hawk all over a chick thats not even good looking...she always said i didnt care about her cause i wasnt an emotional type of guy...theres so much more im probably leaving out of this but heres the bottom line...i wanted this realtionship over as did she...my friends all said it was for the better as well as did my family...however my friends all have serious girlfriends or are getting married...when i met her i was 25, now im 27 so things that appealed to me at that point (like going clubbing and hanging out) dont always appeal to me anymore...spending time with my friends now just seems like a temporary sigh of relief and then its back to feeling lonely...i just got back from a bachelor party in south beach miami where i had a great time and talked to a few girls...i didnt even kiss any of them i just wanted to see if i could carry a conversation...needless to say i did well...had the hottest girl in the bar one night...but now i gotta be back home and alone again...i know how hard it is to find a girl and i am really only a 1-woman guy...i work a job thats not easy to understand...she worked the same job with me so she understood me...im also not as young as i used to be...at this age its harder to find a girl whereas she can find a guy in 2 seconds...it would devestate me if after a month she is looking for someone or has found someone...hopefully she hasnt banged anyone yet...like i said i wanted this to happen, i just miss the companionship i had and the great times...i totally dont miss the negativity, constant bickering and craziness she had...i wrote a whole big letter to her that i havent sent out yet because i fear her response will hurt me but at the same time theres a few things i feel i owe her...i feel shes totally got over me and that shes moved on...i feel she could walk right passed me and not even remember who i was...its like i dont wanna be with her but i dont wanna be without her...at this point i know its impossible to rekindle and i know its better off in the long run that we stay separated...we have a few friends in common and i know well have to cross paths again which im not looking forward to...HELPPPPP  

Answer
It sounds to me like you still care about her but yet you realize you can't be with her!
I know what you mean I've been there too! You love them, and don't want to be with them and then you are afraid of them finding someone else and forgetting about you...
Well, I think the big problem is you have a problem with being alone..and you are scared you will always be alone. I know this fear, I had it also...I was like great, I'm alone now, and he's found someone new already...but you know what? Don't worry about what she's feeling or thinking..chances are she hasn't forgotten about you, thats forsure. I'm sure shes probably not even over you..it always feels that way, but its not usually the case.

You need to find things that you do enjoy doing. You no longer like the things you did when you were younger and you want to find someone so you can feel complete, but you won't be able to make someone else happy if you constantly feel like you need to be with someone.

Take your time, get to know yourself, what your interests are, what do you enjoy doing?
Try new things and see if you like it!
Then someone will come along who is right for you, you'll see!
But until that happens, do you really want to be sitting around worrying about what she's doing or feeling, and feeling frustrated with things, or would you rather be getting a life of your own?

I went through this too after my break up, but then I started doing different things and discovered new and different things I enjoyed doing.

Anyways I hope I helped you a little..
Good luck, Julie