Expert: Julie - 8/27/2006

Question
Me and ex boyfriend or ex lover or whatever you want to call him have been doing whatever you want to call it for 5 years now. We always fought and made up. He was pretty mean to me and would always put me down. I know the first break up should have been the last but i couldnt help it.
This time, we broke up a month ago. 2 weeks later, he meets another girl (but is still sleeping with me and wanting to go home with me. (that has stopped now)) and is telling me im a waste of life but then tells me 2 weeks later that hes sorry and hopes we can get along. If you knew this guy and our past, we've never been able to be "just friends" .I know that to help me move on, i should keep busy, but i cant find that job that helps me keep busy and all my girlfriends have bfs' who just happen to be best friends with my ex guy, and it doesnt help matters when i live in a really small town. The girl he's with now is moving away in a week and i know hes going to be back. My question is, what do i do? How do i move on and just forget him without losing all of my friends and without taking him back? How do i cope with seeing him out.. and possibly with someone else?

Answer
I was in your similar situation, boyfriend whose mean, boyfriend that started seeing someone else, breaking up and not being able to stay busy because my friends have boyfriends and the only difference was he wasn't friends with them.

Your boyfriend is abusive...its abusive to be mean and tell you the things he does. The reason you keep going back is probably the same reasons most girls (including me) have low self esteem. When I left I decided I will not be treated like this anymore, and I was determined to get out of his life. Of course it was hard, and of course I was afraid to see him with someone else so I just dealt with it, he hung out the same places I did. Sure it hurts but I also knew if I stay away, I'll be able to heal, and not have to deal with his crap anymore..You don't need this, five years of this is too much. He knows he can treat you like crap and you'll always go back. He knows he can see other girls and you'll take him back. You are like his little security blanket.. he's got it good..a girl he abuses and she puts up with it. Don't you think you deserve any better?

Even though it was hard for me to find things to do to stay busy, I forced myself to just stay away from him, they are like  bad drugs..hard to get off...trust me, I know. I stayed with mine for four years. And yes it is hard, its only been 2 months since we broke up and I do get bored a lot and I know he's with someone, thats HARD. BUT I am so happy I no longer let some guy have power over me anymore.

Please don't waste anymore of your time. One day you will look back and wonder, why you dealt with this for so long. I'm at that point now..
If you see him with someone else, well what I did was turn the other way and ignore them even though inside it was killing me. Trust me he won't treat this other girl, or any girl for that matter any better than he treated you.

Good luck..Julie