Expert: ruth kraft - 11/28/2008

Question
Hi,
My son is now 7.5 months and still wakes at 2am to breastfeed. I've read that he should be not needing this anymore. He is a big boy at 25lbs and it took awhile but he is now feeding every 3.5 to 4 hours during the day. He's on solids however he doesn't care for much other than cereal and a few veggies. I'm not sure if he's not getting enough food (I don't want to fill him up on cereal if he doesn't eat his fruit or veggie) as it took me an hour last night to try and get him back to sleep without feeding him. I've tried having his dad do it, giving him water in a sippy cup but he still wakes around 2 to 3 each night. He gets a dream feed at 10-11pm (I let him wake for it rather than me wake him up) and then if I don't feed him at the 2am wake up then he usually is up again at 4am. When he feeds it only lasts about 5 to 8 minutes but when I pump that's about how long that lasts as well...a fast let down, I assume.
So, am I depriving him of milk or should he hopefully get over waking up to feed if I don't give it to him. It's hard as we are all sleep deprived from the waking up (I have a 2 year old as well).
Thanks for any advice you can give.
Michelle

Answer
my guess is that its not that hes hungry. and its not that he spoiled. for those who are telling you this...

Let me assure you that there is no book and no person that will be able to tell you what your child truly NEEDS other than your child. Will he be able to survive without that nursing? absolutely.  just as we would survive without caffeine or chocolate and the many things that we desire in our lives for emotional comfort. Babies are such individuals. and this desire that we have to have children sleep through the night and behave as we do as adults, is asking an awful lot for a little guy just getting used to this world.

When you stir in the middle of the night, and your spouse is no longer there when you are used to him being there, you will wake and get concerned. Maybe to find him watching TV or reading a book from insomnia etc...  As humans we crave the interaction and safety of knowing others are around. My guess would be that he is also getting used to the idea of sleeping alone. most adults don't like to do  it. we spend much of our single lives dreaming of someone to touch and comfort at night or interact with during the day. and yet, with babies and young children, after having been nurtured and cuddled from the moment of conception, we want them to be independent when they are most vulnerable in their lives. He instinctual wants to know you are there . As we get older we don't need so much reassurance but all humans developed at different rates.

My suggestion would be, to trust that you are not starving him. and its not because he is nursing. all the formula, cereal and veggies on earth will not quench this instinctual desire that we all have . He is a healthy weight, and is developmentally where he needs to be from the sounds of it.

So take a deep breath. This is coming from a mother who had a child who didn't sleep through the night until he 4 years old.  and never took naps or slept longer than 2-3 hours at a time. I have been where you are. its exhausting and makes you question al you are doing as a mother because your child isn't "behaving as the books say he should"

He is ok. You are doing your best. Pat yourself on the back for knowing and that you are doing what you can. Stop watching the clock. Listen to your baby and nurture him for this last night needing until he is ready to let it go. Your frustration over it is what is causing your sleeplessness... he senses your stress and it makes it even worse... let him off the hook of fitting into everyone elses idea of what's normal. and trust you both will be ok.

so... that my most important suggestion. but also knowing that you are wanting practical advice...  don't ever wake him to nurse. EVER. let him choose his night time feeding routine if at all possible as this will best work with his internal clock.  Try to get him before he is crying to nurse. once hes crying, hes already awake. if you know hes going to wake, trudge in there and nurse him back down. it will take alot less time. no talking. no diaper change unless he is dirty. no undressing. no lights on and off. he will likely sleep longer this way and go back down easier.  don't watch the clock. just pay attention to him. It will fade over time. if you give up the resistance to it and stop dreading the inevitable, your rest will be much more restful!

Know its instinctual for him and the more you reassure home now, the more he will come to you later when you want him to.

If this doesn't help at all, read the book the no cry sleep solution by pantley. Its a good way to understand his sleep cycles and how to handle weaning him of this . its takes time. but remember that you cannot force him to sleep. and if he feels your dread when your putting him to sleep, he gets uncomfortable and wont sleep until hes so exhausted he has no choice...

I wish you well. if you have more questions, let me know. Hug yourself, take a warm bath and thank yourself for being such a good mom.