Expert: Sally Wendkos Olds - 3/16/2008

Question
I have three children, 8,5,2 and breastfed the 8& 5 year olds until they were around three each.

It is my third and youngest child that I am having problems with. He will just demand, reagrdless of the situation or venue, to be breastfed and will scream in anger if not either breastfed or distracted by either my husband or other children.

I would like to bf my 2 yr old for another year but no one in the house can take the screaming for another year!

All children are well fed, very healthy and basically well rounded education wise. We cannot find a solution to the screaming fits. I find that he does the screaming fits regardless if he is alone with me or with the other kids around, so it doesn't seem to be specifically realted to attention or lack there of.

My husband can distract him and he will be fine for the duration of the distraction, and quite happily too, but he will quickly return to the sour mood and demand for breastfeeding continues.

If you have any information or advice it would be appreciated, I am not a very dicplinary type of parent and rather talk things out when there is conflicts, however my two year old does not have the vocabulary or ability to talk and thus, talking it out is not possible.

Thank you and kind regards,
Brenda  

Answer
Dear Brenda,

First, congratulations for giving all your children the best start in life by breastfeeding them!

I am attaching an excerpt from my book (see below) with suggestions for weaning a toddler. I hope some of them help.

However, your problem is not really one of breastfeeding -- it is a behavioral problem. If there is a child psychologist near you, I would suggest that you, and possibly your husband, see him/her and get suggestions for helping your 2-year-old learn how to deal with his wants in a more positive way, since this may signal some deeper problem. It also has to be affecting your older children. The therapist may then want to see your son also.

Good luck!

Sally
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Sally Wendkos Olds
Author, THE COMPLETE BOOK OF BREASTFEEDING: Eiger & Olds, 3rd edition 1999, published by Workman Publishing & Bantam Books, and available in most public libraries, bookstores & La Leche League chapters. Now in revision for a fourth edition, with Laura M. Marks, M.D.
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  BOX 18-2:  SUGGESTIONS FOR WEANING THE OLDER CHILD

  *  Make an agreement with your child about the places that nursing can take place. For example: only at home, in the car, or in a friend's house, but not in a restaurant or other public place.
  *  Make nursing sessions shorter.
  *  Use distraction. Before a child might ordinarily nurse or as you're bringing a brief nursing session to an end, involve her in an interesting activity.
  *  Offer something your child likes to eat just before he would ordinarily nurse. It's better to forestall a request to nurse than to deny it.
  *  Change your routine. At a usual nursing time, go out for a walk or a ride, or invite a playmate over, or bring out a new toy.
  *  Stay away from the places where you ordinarily nurse. If you're used to nursing in a special chair, hide it or move it out of your home temporarily.
  * Don't sit down in front of your child, since many little ones associate sitting down with nursing time. Just keep on the move in the early days or weeks of weaning. Think of it as another opportunity to exercise!
  *  Do not uncover your breasts in front of your child. This will remind him of nursing when he may not have been thinking about it.
  *  Lavish physical affection on your child in activities not associated with breastfeeding, such as reading a picture book, telling stories, or singing.
  *  Enlist your child's favorite people. Ask her father, or grandmother, or an adored babysitter to get her up in the morning or put her to bed, or to go to her in the middle of the night, depending on which nursing session she asks for.
  *  Focus on eliminating the nursing sessions that are least important to your child and most inconvenient for you, and let the others continue for a while.
  *  Talk to your child about weaning as a definite occurrence in the future (after the next birthday, perhaps, or after Santa Claus comes). Even if there's some backsliding after these events, your child will think of nursing as ending someday. One mother told her three-year-old a story about a little rabbit whose mother said, "I love you and I love to nurse you, but my milk is going away and it's really special milk for babies."
  *  Emphasize what a big boy or girl your child is. Stress some of the benefits of getting older, like going to nursery school, having play dates, not wearing diapers any more. Focus on the many things he can do for himself, like dressing herself and using the potty. Talk about nursing as something that's important for little children but not for big ones. One mother told her three-year-old that if she was old enough to chew gum, she was too old to nurse. The little girl was not about to give up her sugar-free bubble gum and never asked to nurse again.
  *  If your child is over three, you might be able to make a contract -- to promise some special "big boy (or girl)" outing or treat one week (or whatever time period you set) after the last nursing. A child younger than this won't be able to keep his end of the bargain -- and even a three-year-old might not be able to.
  * Ask your child to postpone a nursing; this will sometimes lead to his forgetting it. A child who asks to nurse in public, for example, can often accept waiting "until we get home." At some times he'll dash into the door and climb onto your lap to collect what's been promised; at other times he'll become interested in something else.
  *  While you're weaning, continue to be willing to nurse your child at times when she's especially needy. If she hurts herself or is sick or unhappy, depriving her of the comfort she's used to will only create more unhappiness for both of you. Once she's weaned, you'll be able to comfort her in other ways.
  *  Stay away from traumatic techniques like painting your breasts with pepper, soot, or evil-tasting substances. Allow your child to keep his happy memories and his trust in you. The best way to end this stage in your child's life is through an agreement between the two of you -- even if that agreement originates with you rather than your child.
  * Recognize those times when nursing is just what your child needs. As one mother said, "A lot of times when he asks to nurse I can distract him, but when he really needs it, I nurse -- and then she's in a super mood and so it's good for both of us."