Expert: Sally Wendkos Olds - 8/17/2008

Question
HELP!!!  I AM DESPERATELY TRYING TO STOP BREASTFEEDING MY 16 MONTH OLD!!!  I WANTED TO STOP WHEN HE WAS 12 MONTHS OLD, BUT THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!!  HE WANTS TO BREASTFEED ALL THE TIME!!!  I TRY TO TAKE HIS MIND OFF OF FEEDING EVERY TIME HE STARTS TO PULL AT MY SHIRT, BY GOING OUTSIDE, PLAYING BALL, ECT.  IT WORKS FOR THE MOMENT, BUT AS SOON AS WE STOP PLAYING HE WILL GO RIGHT TO PULLING AT MY SHIRT AGAIN!!!  AND AT BED TIME...THAT IS A WHOLE OTHER STORY!!!  FIRST OF ALL...HE SLEEPS WITH ME IN MY BED.  I KNOW, I KNOW...  BAD BAD BAD, BUT IT WAS A CHOICE I MADE WITH MY DAUGHTER 6 YEARS AGO & NOW WITH MY SON.  I JUST FEEL SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE KNOWING MY BABY IS RIGHT THERE WITH ME.  ANYWAY, WHEN IT IS HIS BEDTIME, HE HAS TO CONSTANTLY BREASTFEED HIMSELF TO SLEEP!!!  I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET HIM TO STOP.  MY DAUGHTER LOST INTEREST WHEN SHE WAS 7 MONTHS.  AND I JUST THOUGHT HE WOULD TOO!!!  PLEASE HELP!!!  THANK YOU!

Answer
Dear Anndreia,

First, congratulations for giving your children the best start in life by breastfeeding them! Now I know you feel that it's been too much of a good thing. Remember, no child nurses forever.

I am attaching an excerpt from my book (see below) with suggestions for weaning an older child. Some of these are for an older child, but some may be helpful in your situation. Meanwhile, the first thing I would suggest might be to get him out of your bed. Or get someone else to put him to sleep while you are out of the room. The first time my 18-month-old breastfed granddaughter went to sleep without nursing was when I rocked and sang to her. Maybe she did it so she wouldn't have to keep listening to me!

Good luck!

Sally
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Sally Wendkos Olds
Author, THE COMPLETE BOOK OF BREASTFEEDING: Eiger & Olds, 3rd edition 1999, published by Workman Publishing & Bantam Books, and available in most public libraries, bookstores & La Leche League chapters. Now in revision for a fourth edition, with Laura M. Marks, M.D.
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Suggestions for Weaning the Older Child
• Make an agreement with your child about the places that nursing can take place. For example: only at home, in the car, or in a friend’s house, but not in a restaurant or other public place.
• Make nursing sessions shorter.
• Use distraction. Before a child might ordinarily nurse or as you’re bringing a brief nursing session to an end, involve her in an interesting activity.
• Offer something your child likes to eat just before he would ordinarily nurse. It’s better to forestall a request to nurse than to deny it.
• Change your routine. At a usual nursing time, go out for a walk or a ride, or invite a playmate over, or bring out a new toy.
• Stay away from the places where you ordinarily nurse. If you’re used to nursing in a special chair, hide it or move it out of your home temporarily.
• Don’t sit down in front of your child, since many little ones associate sitting down with nursing time. Just keep on the move in the early days or weeks of weaning. Think of it as another opportunity to exercise!
• Do not uncover your breasts in front of your child. This will remind him of nursing when he may not have been thinking about it.
• Lavish physical affection on your child in activities not associated with breastfeeding, such as reading a picture book, telling stories, or singing.
• Enlist your child’s favorite people. Ask her father, or grandmother, or an adored baby-sitter to get her up in the morning or put her to bed, or to go to her in the middle of the night, depending on which nursing session she asks for.
• Focus on eliminating the nursing sessions that are least important to your child and most inconvenient for you, and let the others continue for a while.
• Talk to your child about weaning as a definite occurrence in the future (after the next birthday, perhaps, or after Santa Claus comes). Even if there’s some backsliding after these events, your child will think of nursing as ending someday. One mother told her three-year-old a story about a little rabbit whose mother said, “I love you and I love to nurse you, but my milk is going away and it’s really special milk for babies.”
• Emphasize what a big boy or girl your child is. Stress some of the benefits of getting older, like going to nursery school, having play dates, not wearing diapers anymore. Focus on the many things he can do for himself, like dressing himself and using the potty. Talk about nursing as something that’s important for little children but not for big ones. One mother told her three-year-old that if she was old enough to chew gum, she was too old to nurse. The little girl was not about to give up her sugar-free bubble gum and never asked to nurse again.
• If your child is over three, you might be able to make a contract—to promise some special “big boy (or girl)” outing or treat one week (or whatever time period you set) after the last nursing. A child younger than this won’t be able to keep his end of the bargain—and even a three-year-old might not be able to.
• Ask your child to postpone a nursing; this will sometimes lead to his forgetting it. A child who asks to nurse in public, for example, can often accept waiting “until we get home.” At some times he’ll dash into the door and climb onto your lap to collect what’s been promised; at other times he’ll become interested in something else.
• While you’re weaning, continue to be willing to nurse your child at times when she’s especially needy. If she hurts herself or is sick or unhappy, depriving her of the comfort she’s used to will only create more unhappiness for both of you. Once she’s weaned, you’ll be able to comfort her in other ways.
• Stay away from traumatic techniques like painting your breasts with pepper, soot, or evil-tasting substances. Allow your child to keep his happy memories and his trust in you. The best way to end this stage in your child’s life is through an agreement between the two of you—even if that agreement originates with you rather than your child.
• Recognize those times when nursing is just what your child needs. As one mother said, “A lot of times when he asks to nurse I can distract him, but when he really needs it, I nurse—and then he’s in a super mood and so it’s good for both of us.”