Expert: ruth kraft - 2/10/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Ruth,
I recently have stopped the night time feedings with my 10 month old.  She used to side sleep and has gotten used to not doing that and now not having any feedings at all.  I have as of 2 days ago transitioned her into her crib.  She woke up 6 times the first night and I just comforted her back to sleep within 5 mins.  4 times the 2nd night.  And, her daytime naps are very short - 45 mins one nap only, because she is not sleeping next to me for those either.  She sleeps from 7:30pm to 6:30am at night.  Do you have any tips or suggestions for me.  Also, I am concerned about the lesser amount of sleep she is getting now that she doesn't sleep or nap with me.  She has always been a very light sleeper and that is why I began to sleep with her at 2 months old, she slept so well when I did.

ANSWER: you might have to back up a little for her... it might be too much of a transition in too short a time. instead of having her sleep all night in the crib alone, choose maybe the first few hours. have her lay with you to get to sleep then set her in her crib, let her sleep there till she wakes, then comfort her back to sleep... then the rest of the night in bed with you. then after a month or two of that, hopefully shell sleep longer through that while shes with you, and then you can wean her off another few hours...

or you can continue on the path you have started, and just continue to show her its ok to sleep in her own room.... I cant say which she will react to better but if she really struggling that much through the night, it might have been too much too quickly. babies transition a little harder than adults... think about it from your childs perspective... all she knows is sleeping with you... if your husband suddenly said to you, hey, go sleep in the other room and get used to it, ill come let you know I am her but in the other room, you probably wouldn't sleep well either... and we as adults have more of an ability to transition and understand whats going on...  

also remember, its normal for her to want to be with you. instinctual its where she feels safest. Many cultures co sleep with their babies until they are a few years old...  you can also try maybe moving the crib into your room if its not already so shes by you but not in bed with you... or even next to the bed and over time move it farther away... its all about gentler a transition...

I hope that helps!

ruth Kraft
www.honoringwomen.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Ruth,
Thanks for the great advice.  I have been having my baby sleep 1/2 the night in the crib and 1/2 with me.  She wakes up around 4am, very awake and at that point I can't comfort her back to her crib.
But, I have been doing this now for a few weeks.  It seems like nothing has really changed.  She still wakes up about 2-4 times before 4am and then is unable to go back into her crib at 4am. I realize that even if she does sleep in her crib the whole night, she will still most likely wake up until she is 2 1/2 and sometimes older. But, do you think she will transition to her crib before she is two yrs old??  I got her off feeding at night, but it seems like the crib transition is going to take a long time.  Also, she will not sleep in her crib for naps.  She has to sleep in my bed, which is unsafe, unless I am there with her.  That is why I am so interested in transitioning her.

ANSWER: Hello again :)  I will first start with, if she has the personality to wake up a few times a night, then no matter where she sleeps , she will wake up. It is getting back to sleep that turns into being an issue most of the time :)  teaching her to self sooth is going to be the interesting part. and doing it slowly will be the best way for both of you , and also for her emotional well being for the future. you want to teach her that you are always there. recognizing that she is not even a year  old yet. and her brain does not understand that you want her to be independent. as far as her instincts are concerned, she has no need to be independent. not yet anyway...  so when you go in and sooth her back to sleep, start with the one that is easiest to get back to sleep, and wean her from it... whatever you are doing... like if you rock her or place your hand on her back and rub etc. do something a little less.... if you rock her, leave her there, and rub her back. if you rub her back, then just place your hand on her with no rubbing ... after a week, don't put your hand on her back and just walk into the room... a very quite .... shhhhhhhhhhh..... will let her know you are there and she is safe. a firm hand on her ( not a hit... just a press into her back or side ) will let her know you are there, than take it off ... then back away. then you wean until you walk into the room, to let her know you are making sure shes ok. then eventually you only come stand in the doorway... etc... as you get further away with each one,  when you get to the 4 o'clock one where it is hardest for her, take it slower than the rest. start that one after she sees you will always be there for her. You are trying to wean her from your comfort in a way she doesn't understand, and therefore, you don't ever want her to feel that she cannot trust you. doing this in a slow and gentle way, you will achieve what you want to, and also help her understand she can still trust you ... that is key in my opinion  as her emotional health that you preserve now, will be what saves her as a teenager, and also will enrich your relationship with her forever down the road...

I would imagine yes, by 2 she would. but remember every baby is different. and your daughter may be one who needs a little more nurturing than " average"  but that doesn't mean something is wrong with her...

as far as her sleeping in your bed... does she crawl or walk? if she does either, you can teach her the safe and appropriate dismount of your bed. her sleep is far more important than much of anything else. lol. other than safety of course. so if she will sleep there and that is where she does best, then my suggestion with that one is meet her where shes at. If you have a very high bed, get a pet staircase or a small ottoman that she can use to get down safely.  if its lower, then show her and practice every day a few times a day. don't take her off your bed. out her up there and show her your leaving the room, when she goes to follow, tell her "like this" and turn her body around so that she goes backward off the bed safely. press on her feet a little when they are placed where they should be so she gets the sensation where they are. every step watch over her until she gets it. and practice over and over and over until she understands only the safe way to get down. if you are going to carry her, she has to dismount the bed safely, then you pick her up and carry her.  

these are all examples of loving guidance. You are not teaching her to be independent by letting her cry it out or fall and find her own way... you are guiding her by letting her know that your most important job in the world is to love her and keep her safe... and letting her learn , in a nurturing environment while still teaching her independence..

I hope that helped again :)
Ruth Kraft

www.Honoringwomen.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Ruth!
Well i took your advice and it worked, like a charm.  I have my baby fall asleep in my bed, transfer her to her bed and she now sleeps all night long in her crib.  She must comfort herself back to sleep because sometimes I hear a little whining and then she is off to sleep again.
My follow up question is this.  Since your advice has been the best I have ever gotten on sleep I am wondering, is it possible for my baby to actually fall asleep in her own crib rather than in my bed, without trying the cry it out method?

Answer
I am so glad the advice has been working for you ! It is always good to hear that the input I have is helping others.

It is possible for her to fall  asleep in her bed rather than yours. I would let this transition become a habit. do it like you have for about a month. and then, as she is going to sleep but isn't quite asleep, take her to her bed. she might fuss at first. assure her your there, but its bed time and lay her back down. if she fusses too much shes not ready.  but you do this and wean her from your bed gradually like everything else... lay with her, cuddle with her, then when shes almost asleep, transfer her till she gets used to it. so shes very likely to be so sleepy she just HAS to go to sleep. then over time, continue taking her sooner. so that you eventually just take her in there before she sleeps.

it might also help to create a ritual that is not related to your bedroom. like singing a special song to her. or getting a music box she loves and you sing or hum quietly along with, then you transition that thing to her room, and in the process start getting her used to going to sleep with that thing...

example... right now, you start 10 minutes before bed time singing a sweet lullaby. ( make it up if you have to... twinkle twinkle little star, oh what a wonderful baby you are, with bright blue eyes and a sweet little nose, a beautiful baby from her head to her toes... twinkle twinkle little star oh what a beautiful baby you are... ) she loves your voice, even if you cant sing so don't let it stop you. this prepared her mind that the song is an indicator that bed is going to happen and its time to relax.do this a month or so, then, start taking her in her room to hear you sing it,  and place her in bed then. she might transition to going to bed easier...

try it and see what happens... you sound like you are doing great.

Ruth Kraft
www.honoringwomen.com