Expert: ruth kraft - 3/17/2009

Question
It seems as though just when we have things figured out, something changes and I have to worry and struggle al over again...

Natalie, at almost 10 months, is slowly self weaning--she's less and less interested in feeding, wants to feed fewer and fewer times during the day, and feeds for like 10-15 minutes, which is waaaay down from a month or so ago. That is sad and frustrating on its own--it's so hard to have that "not-wanted" feeling and that super special bonding time, and I guess I am SUPER sensitive to it.

On top of that, we have had to change her bedtime routine for a number of reasons. Since about 3 months old, Natalie has been nursed to sleep each night, and now that she is so much older, it just isn't working out anymore. Plus, some things are coming up that we will need someone else to put her to bed. So...my husband and I have been working on doing a "new" nighttime routine. IT HAS BEEN MISERABLE for all three of us.

We've tried (husband is doing the feeding):
--taking a bottle in any shape or form (we've tried a number of them), regardless of what's in it
--taking formula in bottle
--taking breastmilk in a sippy cup

It kills me to hear her screaming up there and to have my husband so frustrated. Everything I read about says DON'T start Natalie now on a bottle since we will need to wean in a few months anyway, so we thought sippy cup would be best. She WAS taking the sippy cup with water during meals, but she won't even do that anymore. She's sleeping fine through the night, so our experiements don't seem to be affecting her that way.

What else is there to do?
Is she getting enough breastmilk with the other 3 feedings I give her?
Do we just need to wait a few more days to see progress?

Please help me!

Answer
it sounds like there are several things going on.... during the day , she doesnt want the breast that much and you fear she is weaning and feel rejected and at night, you wont give  her the breast and she is feeling fear and rejected. which could cause her to not want the breat the next day.  

For the possibly weaning part, it could be a nursing strike. which only last a week or so. so not to worry. She may wean if things get too stressful but more likely than not , if she wants to nurse to sleep, she will go back to nursing. because that means she finds comfort in it and enjoys it. that being said, your feeling are normal for fearing the potential loss of sucha  nurturing relationship. when  a baby weans before mom is ready, or a mom weans baby before baby is ready, one of them always suffers for a while until they are able to accept it. It could also be developmentally an issue. Once babies get to a point where they are focusing on physical tings like crawling, learning fine motor skills, cruising, walking etc, food takes less priority. they would much rather explore. this is normal. feed the baby when she wants to be fed and as much as she wants. she knows how to regulate her body best. Just as an adult, she has the capacity to know when she is hungry and full. Don't force food, it only makes her not want it more.

As far as the getting her to sleep without nursing at night, there is a book called the no cry sleep solution I suggest you purchase or rent and read that. It can possibly help you do a slower transition to getting to to sleep at night. she might be refusing all the other things because she isnt hungry, she is feeling a loss of comfort. and she doesnt like it. and a cold sterile bottle is not the comfort of a breast and it never will be. so she is not only adjusting to physical motor skills, she has been taken out of your bed, and then not given the breast. and she has every right to be upset about it and confused and not know what is going on. imagine your husband coming home one day and saying, hey, um... you can't have any hugs or cuddles anymore cause I have somet things I have to tend to, and by the way, I want youto sleep on the sofa while I get the big bed. Dont worry, youll get used to it...

that is what she is feeling. she doesnt understand why things need to be done certian ways, she just knows she has been nurtured since the moment she was concieved and now its all being taken away... instincutally, shes terrified.  a more gentle transition woudl be better. in my opinion.

try nursing her to sleep in her own room , then putting her down. in her crib. when she gets used to that, then you can do only a half nursing, then give her a supplimented feeding then back to the breast until she gets used to that. then eventually make the nursing shorter and the bottle longer ( or sippy... or pacifier...whatever ) you can even nurse some then slip the pacifier in when she is getting tired.  then move to the bottle and do the same thing.  then have your husband sit in on the evening so she recognizes him as part of the routine. routine is good but it has to be slow change and it sounds like you all are hating how the quick change is working. keep a routine, adjusting it only a little every few nights and it will be easier for everyone to handle. eventually, she will understand that you arent rejecting her, and will understand that some nights, mommy can nurse her to sleep and some nights, she might be away.  It sounds like you both need the reassurance now too...

all will be ok. children are resiliant. be gentle with your change and easy on yourself. You'll get there... and youll be suprised at how well she adjusts when you do it more gradually. it takes babies a while longer to integrate to our world than we do... as they are still just getting used to being here.

good luck
Ruth Kraft
www.honoringwomen.com