Expert: ruth kraft - 3/25/2009

Question
My name is Robin and I'm a single mother of a 20-month-old named Quentin. I've been breastfeeding him since birth and we've both enjoyed the experience, but I believe that it's time to bring it to an end, both because I feel it and because in a month and a half (mid-May) his dad will be taking him on their first vacation together for 6 days.

For months now, we’ve worked on cutting down the feedings. He gets all of his nutrition through solid food, juice, and milk. At 35 inches tall and 30 pounds, he’s obviously moved past needing just the breast. When I’m firm about saying no, he doesn’t have too much trouble boiling it down to just two feedings, naptime and bedtime (both of which he skips when with his dad). However, he sometimes asks (and up to now I sometimes gave in) at three other times, all related to sleep: 1) When he’s tired but not sleepy enough to go down, usually 1-2 hours before bedtime. 2) If he wakes in the middle of the night (this has cut down drastically since he went on his seasonal allergy medicine a week ago) 3) When he wakes up in the morning.

Quentin’s dad has kept him overnight a few times, and will do so more often for the next few weeks to get him ready for the trip. While there, his dad has a hassle putting him down to sleep, but it’s getting easier and eventually happens. Quentin goes to Mother’s Day Out once a week (I work from home, but have meetings on Fridays), and they no longer have any problem at all getting him to nap.

One impediment to weaning could be that Quentin and I co-sleep, which I’m not interested in stopping. In fact, he so hates cribs that he’s the only child in his Mother’s Day Out class to sleep on a cot. If I try to put him in a crib or pack ‘n’ play, he works himself into such a fit that sleep is the last thing that will happen. Of course, this means that the cry it out method, even if I were willing to do it, would be impossible. Often, I also nap with him since I work best after he goes to sleep and am sometimes working until 2 or 3 in the morning. Therefore putting him down for a nap in a stroller or carseat would work for him, but would leave me without a nap and make me tired and irritable.

I’ve read several books and articles about weaning, and many concentrate either on why you shouldn’t wean a child too early or on gradually cutting back the feedings. At 20-months, I think we’ve both had a long, enjoyable experience, but that it’s time to end, so I don’t believe we’re in any way too early. And since I’ve already cut back any unnecessary feedings, I need practical advice on what to do next.

Engorgement shouldn’t be an issue since Quentin’s dad has kept him for up to 48 hours without even the slightest discomfort on my part. Since I used to have way too much milk, I assume this means that Quentin’s getting very little nourishment when he does feed. He’s just using it as a comfort and sleep aide.

Yesterday evening I tried something that I know is sometimes discouraged, but it worked well for its purpose. When Quentin started asking for the breast too early to go to sleep, I put some lemon juice on it and let him try to feed. He sucked a few times, broke off, and said “yuck”. He tried again two more times, then on the third, he shook his head, climbed off my lap, and went back to playing without a fuss. An hour later, when it was time for bed, he easily took the other breast and went to sleep. The only reason I tried this method, is that Quentin likes lemon juice. Therefore I gambled that it would be a deterrent without disgusting him, which seems to have worked. However, I don’t know how well it would work if I tried it for one of the two main feeds when he’s going to sleep.

So many of the usually advised tactics are impossible for us. Since I’m a single mom, there’s no one else to put him down to sleep in our home. Since he uses the breast to sleep, cutting down the duration is impossible. He’s either asleep or not and any attempt to put him in bed when he’s not asleep results in a tantrum. Postponing a nursing has the same problem since that would be postponing nap or bedtime. I’ve tried reasoning with him about being “a big boy”. He doesn’t have enough language to really reason, but he’s started saying “no” when I ask if he’s a big boy.

Any advice you could give me would be appreciated. Right now the only unformed plan I have is to try the lemon juice again to help eliminate the evening requests to feed. As mentioned, Quentin’s dad will be keeping him overnight more in the next few weeks, but it’s not likely to be more than once a week since he’s a nurse who works evenings or nights. If we can’t wean completely by mid-May, I guess he will be weaned while out of town, but I feel that could be traumatic for both Quentin and his dad, so I’d like to do it before then.

I thank you in advance for your response and would appreciate one even if it's to say that you have no advice. I asked this question of another expert and got a form response that she couldn't answer it. Since it was within her stated expertise, I found that a little insulting. After all, I worked hard on writing out any information you may need. I promise to rate you well even if you have no advice simply because of your honesty and the time you took to let me know why you couldn't help.

Robin

Answer
I am sorry for rudeness from someone else, this really isn't an expertise question as much as it a brainstorming question... racking your brain  to try to find some other options for you given the situation you have.  I will do my best... there is always a solution... its finding the right one.

I am not a believe in crying it out. in fact, I do believe that is more detrimental than just about anything you could ever do to a child. it teaches them to think only in survival mode and sets that pace for the rest of their life.

so... you have basically weaned him from all feedings except for the night time feeding. It sounds as though you have a fairly strong willed boy. he knows what he wants and when he wants it :) which will be a good trait for later on in life. And he doesn't care about being a big boy. he isn't even 2 yet. If being a baby means that he gets to nurse while he can, then so be it... lol...

so... I am going to clarify something that I believe strongly in... letting  a baby cry it out is not a good thing. but just because a baby cries, doesn't mean its a bad thing. You can love your baby through it, and still teach boundaries and skills. He still might cry, but when you let a child cry it out, its often with the feeling of anger or disconnectedness, " I am just going to make you cry until I break you spiritually and you give up "  Loving him through it, is you saying, with energy " I know this is so hard for you, but you still have to respect this boundary and rule, and I love you anyway and trust you will get through it "

do you see the difference? you are still holding ground. but one feels allot better than the other.  The fun is trying to find a nice gentle way to reduce the amount of stress on both of you to establish what you want to do.

Sharing with him, when you lay down to go to bed together, that you ardent feeling well, or that you can  only nurse for a short minute because your breasts need to rest ( my son called them nur nur's so use whatever term he uses to nurse ) you can help him relate to your breasts  and understand they need a break. if you are "holding out on him" he will become upset. if you are refusing him, he will be upset. if you let HIM make the choice, he will much more likely be ok. so you can say, they are really tried and need to rest tonight. lets cuddle and help them rest.  and this way they ardent taken completely from him.  or you can nurse him only a minute or two and then they need a rest.  then after a night or two, they need complete rest.

the reason why it works with the lemon juice ( which I don't see as a bad choice either ) is because HE chose. HE is the one who said... um... no and went about his business. he feels powerful and has set his own idea of what his boundary is... and he doesn't like nipples that taste like lemon. Use this idea to your advantage, get creative and find a way to let him choose, that nursing is not a bad thing.

you can also say to him, that you think that you should buy or choose a stuffed animal to help them rest some . and to help them feel nice and cuddled. and then at night, you and him can cuddle with the stuffed animal. then, when he goes to his dads, he can take the toy with him in place of you and nursing. this might help ease his time away also.

it helps him be nurturing to another life , and helps create compassion. and helps you achieve what you are hoping to achieve...

let me know what you think!
good luck!