Expert: Sally Wendkos Olds - 9/15/2009

Question
Hello, My daughter is turning 1 in a few weeks and I have breastfed her exclusively. She also sleeps with my husband and me.  I want to wean her and I would love for her to sleep in her own bed.  She nurses herself to sleep every night and if I try to let her cry herself to sleep she makes herself sick. She wakes up several times in the night wanting to nurse and she has kicked my husband out of the bed. How should I wean her and get her to sleep on her own?

Answer
Dear Crystal,

First, congratulations for giving your daughter the best start in life by breastfeeding her!

You have two issues here -- weaning your daughter from the breast and getting her to sleep in her own bed. It's too hard to deal with both at once, and it sounds as if as long as she sleeps in your bed she will keep waking during the night and wanting to nurse.

I recommend that you move her into her own bed first, while continuing to nurse her. She will most likely protest at first, but you need to stay calm, emphasize that she's a big girl now and that big girls sleep in their own beds. Nurse her before she goes to sleep -- but try to put her down before she actually goes to sleep so she'll learn to fall asleep without nursing. Go to her during the night and nurse her, and then put her back into her own bed. Sometimes have your husband go in to her. Either of you can speak to her softly, pat her back, try to help her go back to sleep without nursing. Don't try to wean her until she is used to her own bed -- which might take a month or so. When she's used to this, write back and we'll talk about weaning.

Meanwhile, I'm attaching an excerpt from my book (see below) for eliminating or cutting down night-time nursings. Some of these suggestions are for younger children, but some may help your daughter. As far as her having to nurse to fall asleep -- my granddaughter at about 1 1/2 was like this, and one evening my daughter went out and left me to put her to sleep. I rocked her and sang to her and she eventually fell asleep in my arms without nursing. Maybe you can do this one evening -- go out and have someone else put your daughter to sleep. An important part of development is learning to soothe yourself and fall asleep without some external prop (like nursing).

Good luck!

Sally
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Sally Wendkos Olds
Author, THE COMPLETE BOOK OF BREASTFEEDING: Eiger & Olds, 3rd edition 1999, published by Workman Publishing & Bantam Books, and available in most public libraries, bookstores & La Leche League chapters. Now in revision for a fourth edition, with pediatrician Laura M. Marks, M.D.
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Encouraging a Baby to Give Up Nighttime Nursing
If you don’t really mind getting up at night, there’s no age by which your baby has to sleep through, so you can just wait until he gives up night feedings himself—and try to catch up on your own sleep by scheduling a nap during the day.
  But if your doctor says your baby is growing well, if he is nursing often and well during the day, if he’s at least twelve weeks old, so your milk supply is well established, and if getting up with him leaves you exhausted and irritable, you may be able to encourage him to sleep for longer stretches at night. (Some anthropologists say that human beings in various cultures regularly sleep in two shifts, with an hour or two of wakefulness in the middle. Seems that young babies have read these textbooks.)
Still, if you want your family, young and old, to follow the typical western sleep schedule, sometimes one of the following will help:
• Try nursing later at night, maybe at midnight, to see whether this will hold your baby till early morning.
• Let your baby fuss (not scream) for five or ten minutes when he wakes during the night; if he’s not too hungry, he may go back to sleep.
• If your baby sleeps in a separate bed, let your partner go to comfort the baby, maybe by rubbing or patting her back or speaking softly to her. From a very early age, your baby associates your looks and your smell with feeding. If you go to her side, she’ll expect to nurse. This is why the father or someone else is often more successful in getting her back to sleep.
* One mom I know stayed in a hotel room for 3 nights while the baby's father and grandmother took care of him. By the time she came back to sleep at home, he wasn't waking at night any more.
* If the baby cries when you leave, go back every few minutes so he can be reassured by your (or your partner’s) presence. If you sit with the baby in the room, stay quiet and look away so he won’t think it’s playtime.
• If your baby is on a “night shift,” sleeping during the day and up a lot at night, reorient him by waking him up and nursing him every two to three hours during the day, and keeping him awake by taking him out, bathing him, playing with him, or sitting him in an infant seat where he can see interesting things and people.
* You might also teach your baby day from night by keeping the lights on during the day, even during naptime, and not making an effort to be quiet.
• Offer a pacifier, if your milk supply is well established and your baby is at least six to eight weeks old.