Expert: Sally Wendkos Olds - 9/9/2009

Question
i am trying the weaning process with my son, who is now two. my son visits his father foe 4 days twice a month roughly the 2nd and the 4th weekends. when it is time for his visit the nursing is at noontime and nighttime. but when he returns from his father he wants to nursing 3 to 6 times a day. i sent frozen breast milk with him but i do not think that he is receiving it. thinking this is becoming a mental or philological problem what is your advice?

Answer
Dear Kellie,

First, congratulations for giving your son the very best start in life by breastfeeding him!

Although I'm sure that letting him visit his father must be difficult for you, in one way it's good if you want to wean him. This is a perfect opportunity for him to do without breastfeeding for a few days and to accept the possibility that nursing will end one of these days.

You don't need to send frozen breast milk with him. At two years old, he will do fine with plain milk and the various solid foods he eats. So that will spare you the pumping and the freezing. And it will let your son get used to other milk and foods. It will also contribute to your own breast milk drying up, so that you will be able to say to him (honestly) "My breasts [or whatever you call them to him] don't have milk any more. That's just for little boys -- not a big boy like you."

Probably the reason he wants to nurse so often when he returns to you is indeed a mental or psychological issue for him. He is probably associating the good feelings around breastfeeding with the close relationship between the two of you. The most important thing you need to do is to reassure him of your love and to help him feel secure -- that even though he goes away from you, you will always be there for him when he comes back. I'm attaching some suggestions for weaning a child of his age, which will be in the forthcoming edition of my book (see below). I hope some of them help.

Best regards,

Sally
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Sally Wendkos Olds
Author, THE COMPLETE BOOK OF BREASTFEEDING: Eiger & Olds, 3rd edition 1999, published by Workman Publishing & Bantam Books, and available in most public libraries, bookstores & La Leche League chapters. Now in revision for a fourth edition, with pediatrician Laura M. Marks, M.D.
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Suggestions for Weaning the Older Child
• Make an agreement with your child about the places that nursing can take place. For example: only at home, in the car, or in a friend’s house, but not in a restaurant or other public place.
• Make nursing sessions shorter.
• Use distraction. Before a child might ordinarily nurse or as you’re bringing a brief nursing session to an end, involve her in an interesting activity.
• Offer something your child likes to eat just before he would ordinarily nurse. It’s better to forestall a request to nurse than to deny it.
• Change your routine. At a usual nursing time, go out for a walk or a ride, or invite a playmate over, or bring out a new toy.
• Stay away from the places where you ordinarily nurse. If you’re used to nursing in a special chair, hide it or move it out of your home temporarily.
• Don’t sit down in front of your child, since many little ones associate sitting down with nursing time. Just keep on the move in the early days or weeks of weaning. Think of it as another opportunity to exercise!
• Don’t uncover your breasts in front of your child. This will remind him of nursing when he may not have been thinking about it.
• Lavish physical affection on your child during activities not associated with breastfeeding, such as reading a picture book, telling stories, or singing.
• Focus on eliminating the nursing sessions that are least important to your child and most inconvenient for you, and let the others continue for a while.
• Talk to your child about weaning as a definite occurrence in the future (after the next birthday, perhaps, or after Santa Claus comes). Even if there’s some backsliding after these events, your child will think of nursing as ending someday. One mother told her three-year-old a story about a little rabbit whose mother said, “I love you and I love to nurse you, but my milk is going away and it’s really special milk for babies.”
• Emphasize what a big boy or girl your child is. Stress some of the benefits of getting older, like going to nursery school, having play dates, not wearing diapers anymore. Focus on the many things he can do for himself, like dressing himself and using the potty. Talk about nursing as something that’s important for little children but not for big ones.
* Explain that “milky” (or whatever your special name is for nursing) is “all gone,” “went bye-bye,” or something similar.
* Give one week’s notice and count down every night. Then give a special “big boy” or “big girl” present on the last night.
• If your child is over three, you might be able to make a contract—to promise some special “big boy (or girl)” outing or treat one week (or whatever time period you set) after the last nursing. A child younger than this won’t be able to keep his end of the bargain—and even a three-year-old might not be able to.
• Ask your child to postpone a nursing; this will sometimes lead to his forgetting it. A child who asks to nurse in public, for example, can often accept waiting “until we get home.” If you’re already home, you can say, “Yes, but first I’m going to get a drink of water.” Then get him involved in some activity with you, don’t sit down, and maybe he’ll become interested in something other than nursing. Meanwhile, you haven’t said no, and you’ve made a start.
* Enlist your child's favorite people. Ask her father, or grandmother, or an adored babysitter to get her up in the morning or put her to bed, or to go to her in the middle of the night, depending on which nursing session she asks for. The first time I [Sally Olds] put my 18-month-old granddaughter to bed without her mother around, who had always nursed her to sleep, I helped Anna fall asleep by taking her into my arms in a rocking chair and singing every song I could possibly remember. I think she went to sleep in self-defense, so she wouldn't have to put up with my singing!
• While you’re weaning, continue to be willing to nurse your child at times when she’s especially needy. If she hurts herself or is sick or unhappy, depriving her of the comfort she’s used to will only create more unhappiness for both of you. Remember that nursing through an illness is a great way to get food and immunities to an ill child.
• Stay away from traumatic techniques like painting your breasts with pepper, soot, or evil-tasting substances. Allow your child to keep his happy memories and his trust in you. The best way to end this stage in your child’s life is through an agreement between the two of you—even if that agreement originates with you rather than your child.
• Recognize those times when nursing is just what your child needs. As one mother said, “A lot of times when he asks to nurse I can distract him, but when he really needs it, I nurse—and then he’s in a super mood and so it’s good for both of us.”