Expert: ruth kraft - 4/14/2010

Question
We have a 9 month old baby girl, who sleeps between her mommy and myself.  We know its a bad habit, but it's our first baby, we didn't know better!

The problem is, our daughter seems to only fall asleep when she's sucking her mommy's nipple, and although some nights are good (she wakes up once or twice), most nights she wakes up nearly every hour, cries until she has access to her mommy's breast and then falls back asleep.

Although we never believed in sleep therapy, we tried it twice.  On the second time, she cried non stop for 40 minutes, we decided to stop and to never do it again.

What's the best thing to do?  If this is all temporary I don't mind.  Her mom is suffering though, because she doesn't get a good night's sleep and then spends all next day taking care of our baby. We both feel she's too attached to mommy's milk, which she will probably out grow one day.  

The other problem is the sleeping between her mommy and myself.  A colleague at work said that his 2 and a half year old daughter still sleeps next to her parents, and when she wakes up in the middle of the night and finds herself in her own bed, she sneaks into their bed.

Your thoughts are very much appreciated.

Thanks!

Answer
Hello :) First I would like to say that I disagree that letting her sleep between you is a bad habit. I wholeheartedly disagree. When you look statistically of babies who co sleep with family, the over all are more well adjusted children. They cry less, the family gets more rest over all, mom is more happy, baby is happy, and the child grows up to know what it truly means to be loved and cared for. Nurtured and to TRUST someone. Do some searches on the benefits of Co-sleeping and attatchment parenting.

Sleep therapy as you put it, I have never heard it called that. I assume you mean letting her "cry it out" which I imagine, made her nursing more frequently worse after that was tried.

When a mother is pregnant and she gets the emotional support and care that she needs, her pregnancy often goes well, her birth leaves a much better impression on her, and is often described as much easier, she heals quicker, she gains more faith in herself, her body and her baby. The same happens to children when we nurture them right from birth. Skin to skin has proven to help babies fight off infection, babies gain more weight and thrive better in general, their brains grow at faster rates, their body temperature is stabilized, their breathing normalizes as well as their heart rates,  longer periods of sleep,  decreased crying, longer periods of alertness and the list goes on.  If you think about life from a babies perspective, from the moment of conception they have been held, nurtured loved and and their needs have been met immediately. They have food, shelter, warmth, and gentle hugs from the uterus. Then, they are born. Often into a hospital setting where it is cold, way too bright, too much going on , strangers touching them and poking and prodding. The sounds are much louder than they have ever heard, and they struggle to understand the chaos.  They are often then taken home and placed in a crib, in the center of the mattress with nothing around them on their backs and they cry. They don't understand this barren, hard landscape they are now laying on and suppose to be enjoying. All they know, is that the crib doesn't make them feel safe. It doesn't love them. Hold them close and keep them warm. They don't like laying on their backs, away from contact. Even as adults,  most of us long for and struggle when we don't have another adult to cuddle with at night. If we have a partner and they are gone for a couple nights, many adults wake up and notice they are gone and have a hard time sleeping. A baby doesn't have the ability to have rational thoughts that they are safe and mom is in the other room. All they know is that they were nurtured and now they are not. Which makes them cry more, have more stress, and changes the growth of their brain and creates more fear right from the start.


In the desire to teach our children compassion, we must also be able to show them the compassion that we want them to have. WE are the only way that are children learn the ideals of high integrity, compassion, kindess, being true to ourselves, great respect for our entire world. This starts from the moment they are brought into this world. Whenever your belief system determines that to be. They are aware, and ready to learn. I encourage everyone to practice and therefore teach compassion, appreciation, nurturing and a gentleness that can only come from love.


You are correct, that she will grow out of wanting to nurse one day. My guess would be, that if mommy decided that what she is doing is best for her and her child, she will sleep more. and she will be more relaxed about letting baby sleep with her. Once she does this baby will nurse less. and she can TEACH her that there are times to nurse and times that mommy needs a break. She can say to baby, "just like mommy needs rest, the breasts need rest too" and baby will get used to that routine.

It is temporary. and for your co worker who says her 2 year old comes in as well early in the morning, ask your co worker to sleep alone every night in a giant bed when she knows someone loves her is in the room next door warm and snuggly and see how appealing it is to her. If you nurture and co sleep NOW, while shes young, then in a few years, she will be independant. exactly what you want her to be. emotionally, physically independant and confident :)

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