Expert: Sally Wendkos Olds - 6/25/2006

Question
Hello.  I am a 22 year old woman expecting my first child.  I'm only 10 weeks along now, but my family and my husband's family are already causing so many problems.  First, my husband's family is being very rude about my choice of breastfeeding.  One said "Well they have found jet fuel in breast milk so it isn't safe".  And they have TOLD me that even though I want my baby EXCLUSIVELY breastfed until at least 5 or 6 months old, that they are going to feed him table food long before then.  These people see nothing wrong with giving a baby gravy at 2 weeks old!  They keep saying, "It doesn't hurt them", yet they seem to not notice that the majority of their family had gastrointestinal problems.  Then my own family isn't being helpful either.  They think breastfeeding is disgusting and embarrassing.  They won't respect any of my wishes.  It's so extreme that when I told them that several doctors and such specifically told me that I could NOT have any pain meds for labor because they would kill me, they told me to take the pain meds anyway!  What should I do about this?  How can I make them stop torturing me?

Answer
Dear Kara,

First, congratulations for your plans to give your baby the best start in life by breastfeeding -- and then by waiting to offer solid foods -- actually, anything other than breast milk -- until your baby is at least 5 or 6 months old. Both these recommendations are the ones given by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the most important association of pediatricians in the U.S. I talk about these recommendations and others in my book (see below), as well as all the reasons why breastfeeding is the best feeding, so you may find some support for your position in its pages. I'm giving you just one small excerpt from the book at the end of this message.

Meanwhile, though, you need to enlist your husband as your support in dealing with both family branches. And it's probably best if you don't discuss your plans for your baby with your families. Just change the subject, at least until just before the baby is born, so you won't have to put up with months of this frustration. From what you say, they are not acting rationally and so there is probably nothing you can do to change their minds. So you need to build your own support system. Closer to the time your baby will be born, look for a La Leche League group near you (you can find one by going to www.lalecheleage.org).

You will also need to limit your family members' time with your baby if you're afraid they will give the baby foods that she/he should not have.

Good luck!

Sally

Sally Wendkos Olds
Author, THE COMPLETE BOOK OF BREASTFEEDING: Eiger & Olds, 3rd edition 1999, published by Workman Publishing & Bantam Books, and available in most public libraries, bookstores & La Leche League chapters.
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From the book:

Q:  Ever since I decided to breastfeed, everyone has been trying to talk me out of it. How can I deal with all this opposition?
A:  Opposition to breastfeeding is less common these days than it was a few years ago, but you may still sometimes hear put-downs like "You wouldn't make a good cow" or "Why can't you be like everyone else and do the natural thing -- give the baby a bottle?" or "What are you trying to prove?" Or people may blame a baby's every crying jag on your milk (or what they diagnose as your lack of it) or by doctors who suggest that you stop breastfeeding if you run into a minor problem.
  
  BOX 2-1    FIGHTING SABOTAGE
When I (Sally Olds) was nursing my first baby, the baby nurse I had hired seemed to be jealous of my ability to feed my baby, and in subtle, and not so subtle ways, tried to sabotage the course of breastfeeding. Fortunately, my mother saw the nurse heating skim milk in a saucepan to give to the baby, and told the nurse in no uncertain terms not to give the baby anything unless I asked her to. Soon after that, we told the nurse to go!
  END OF BOX
  
When these situations arise, try to think why people say these things, and then respond accordingly. When people have good intentions but poor information about the normal course of breastfeeding, you can enlighten them. When a trace of jealousy affects a grandmother (who sees you care for your baby so competently without her help) or a friend (who did not have a good nursing experience herself), you can help build up their morale. And when a doctor seems to be misinterpreting your questions, thinking that you're asking for permission to stop nursing, while you're actually asking for support and information, you can be clearer in your communication.
  In any case, once you make your decision to breastfeed, stick with it. You may not be able to change other people's minds, but you don't have to let them change yours.