Expert: Jaycie - 5/24/2010

Question
I need some advice. I am 27 years old and think I may have found my 30 year old half-brother. I haven't seen him but once when I was 13.

Let me start from the beginning.

I remember seeing him when I was little. People used to think we were twins. But when he was 7 years old, my father didn't show up for a hearing where his mom was requesting for his step dad to adopt him. Needless to say, he was adopted by his step dad.

My father was a drunk and a horrible, selfish person. My mom left him because of his abuse and I didn't see him for years. I still don't like to talk to him.

As years passed, I didn't even realize I had a brother. I grew up with my half sister. But when I was 13 my mom told me about my dad's other children. Turns out I have 2 brothers. I am in contact with one, Andrew. But Nathan, the one I saw when I was 13, won't speak to me. We had a wonderful visit when I was 13 and talked for a little while after that. I had tracked him down after my mom had told me and at the time, he was happy I had found him.

I track him down once in awhile and update him on where I am and what I am doing, just in case he wants to contact me. I does break my heart that he doesn't seem to want to. But I do understand that legally, he isn't really my brother anymore. I never hear from him in response.

I was happy to have found him on MySpace and saw a picture of him. We still could be twins. Its so weird to see a picture of someone that looks exactly like you, but you don't know them.

Last week, I came across his half brother's Facebook page. I sent him a message asking him to let me know that Nathan was ok and to let him know I'd love to talk to him someday. Maybe I am pushing too hard.

His brother, Shane, is quite a bit older than both of us. Nathan is 30 and Shane is 37.

He actually responded and I was surprised! He sounded very nice and explained that it is very important for siblings to stay in contact. He said he would talk to him for me and said he would like to contact me too. Turns out, my dad was his step-dad at one point and he knew all sorts of things about him I didn't. It was very cool!

Shane seems nice and although I haven't heard anything back about Nathan other than he is fine and living in Canada with a baby on the way, I still feel like there is a huge piece missing from my life and have for years.

I understand that I could never make him to talk to me but I am curious to know if I should just let him go. I understand there is feelings he has about our father that he will never let go. Maybe I am a reminder of this. I just worry that if I don't try, I will never talk to him. But I also do not want to upset him either.

I also do not know if I should stay in contact with Shane. He really isn't a relative but maybe I should keep that line of communication open?

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
First of all, Shane wants to have a relationship so don't push him away. He probably won't ever be a "brother" kind of person but more like a really close friend, as long as you let him in.

As for the Nathan, leave it open. Email him or call him or something and just let him know that you were wondering how he was and what was going on. Maybe send him a "Christmas card" kind of thing just updating him on you and your family. But don't wait until Christmas. Let him that you want to be close to him but that it's up to him. Hopefull he will respond.

You have have Shane try to talk to him about it but make sure he doens't feel like he's being cornered or anything. He won't like that. Just leave it open for him after you let him know what you want.