Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 7/12/2010

Question
Hi Lanay,

Our son is 14 and our daughter is 11.  We are a very close family and my husband and I are always communicating with the kids about the importance of communication, love, etc... but between our son and daughter, there are always squabbles, bickering and all out fighting (not physical).  Our son treats doesn't speak to her nicely, and sometimes our daughter can scream and yell at him (they bring out the worst in each other).  What can my husband and I do to foster a loving friendship between the two? I sure hope you can help us!!  Thank you!  Leta in Canada

Answer
Hi Leta,

Siblings fighting is very heart breaking and frustrating, but it's good news that they aren't physically abusive.  My sisters and I passed that boundary early on in our rivalry, and we are very close now.  In other words, they aren't a lost cause.  

The thing to remember is that siblings often fight to assert their individuality and place in the family.  Of course they don't know that, so it is your job as parents to acknowledge their individual characteristics and accomplishments without comparing them to each other.  A lot of parents do this unknowingly by saying things like, "Why can't you do ____ like your sister?"  or "Your brother's grades are so good...you should look at how he studies."

Try to give each child some alone time with you whether it is just running an errand or going for ice cream.  This way they have your full attention without having to battle for it.

For more information from some better experts than myself, copy the link below. They have information on how to handle sibling rivalry.  The tools (books, cds, dvds) they provide are excellent - I know, I've used it on kids and adults with outstanding results :)  

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

I hope this helps and