Expert: Jaycie - 7/26/2010

Question
I think my 15 year old son and 12 year old daughter might have an inappropriate relationship. I adopted them both about when they were young. I never had any suspicion about them until about a year ago. My daughter began lying with me on the couch and trying to put her feet in my groin or nonchalantly rub against me. I would tell her it was gross and simply push her away, thinking it was just her becoming curious about the male body. Then I started to notice that she and her brother were cuddling on the couch, almost every time they watched TV, and he would get visibly upset if she was lying next to me instead of him. Over the last year they seemed to get progressively more cuddly to the point that they always lying next to each other on the couch with their feet intertwined or close to each others groin.  I got the feeling that she was curious with her brother as well and he was not mature enough to curtail her curiosity. When I revealed my concerns to my wife she said I was crazy and wouldn't even entertain the thought. I decided to easily broach the subject with my 15 year old and he totally denied any wrong doing (but told his sister to stop trying to be so close to him) because I would think it was weird. Then he said something to my wife like I think he’s a weirdo in front of his sister. I decided to talk with them both and be direct. I let them know that I thought it was inappropriate for them to ever touch each other in the privates weather sexual or not. They both denied any wrong doing. I know I can be paranoid but I also know that I’m not a fool. I understand body language and know there is a history to how my thoughts developed. I’m leaving out a lot of details for the sake of length but can you tell me if this behavior normal? I know I need to follow my instincts but I don't want to completely alienate them because of my suspicions. They still continue to do it.

Answer
I kind of think you're right. I would have to know more of the details that you left out to really know for sure but I'm kind of on your side. I think that they're probably just interested or curious about each other's bodies and bodies in general. Also, the 15 year old is to the age where he might also be leaning toward a sexual feeling, like when she touches him it feels good and that's all he's thinking about, just like most 15 year olds. I think the behavior itself is normal because of curiosity and liking the sensation it brings but I'm not sure if doing it with siblings is as common. I know it happens, so in that sense, it is normal, but I'm not sure how common it is. But I think that they're doing that mostly because of easy access.

You can talk to the boy fairly easily by just talking about sexual relations in general and giving him the real "sex" talk. I don't mean a "Where to babies come from?" talk, but a real, man to man talk about sexual relations and what's okay and what's not. I know it might be a little awkward and uncomfortable but I think that will probably help him with this and also with any other problems he might have with girls in the future. You don't need to share details of what goes on but he needs to have an idea of what's going on with him right now.

With your daughter, I would leave this up to your wife. If I was the daughter, I would feel really uncomfortable with my dad talking to me about this. Do the same thing as with your son, talk about what's going on and what will happen and what she'll like and what she'll want to do but then explain what's okay and what is not.

I think that would teach them without making them feel like you're against them or anything. And it would help your wife be okay with the idea as well. Find a way to bring this all up and then fit their behavior into the talk as well. I hope this works for you.