Expert: Jaycie - 8/4/2010

Question
QUESTION: Dear Jaycie, I just want to write with my new email and say how much I really,
really appreciate your kindness to me.  I'm having a birthday today and
Connie is being so sweet to me.  Connie set up the email but I am writing
unsupervised so I can say what I want.  She went riding with Amy, and Rod
drove them, so I have a day off.  Although I have a couple of things to do for
Brad but I really love being around him, except when he's angry about
something of course, but even then he's just amazing. I'm also going to do
some surprise things for Connie when she gets back.

I just want to apologize to you for telling Connie that you told me to hide her
riding crop so she wouldn't use it on me.  I was a little bit scared because I
knew I was in trouble, and I thought it would help saying that you told me to
do it, but I was just being a little coward.  I promise not to do that again.  And
honestly that's something that Connie is really big on with me, she wants me
to be honest all the time.  She gets the most angry when I lie to her. I know
how you get upset when I tell you about how strict Connie can be and about
the punishments I get, but don't you think she is right on most levels.  I know
she is right on everything else, why not that too?  It's never for no reason. It's
always when I don't learn or when I get annoying.  That's something I'm
working on really hard, is not to annoy Connie just to get attention from her.  
Why do I crave her attention all the time Jaycie?  Wouldn't that annoy you too?  
My brain tells me to stop but for some reason I can't.  When Connie gets
moody or really quiet, what should I do to stop myself from being a pest to
her? I think I worry about her when she's moody and I just want to make her
happy, so I start to fuss over her too much and do everything for her.   Why is
it that when I just really want to make her happy again, I sometimes end up
getting spanked for it?  Is this what I have always done to  people who are
authority figures in my life?  Is this what makes them want to get rid of me? I
know Connie said I could leave anytime I want.  Does she really mean it
Jaycie? She also told me that she wants me to learn to be on my own.  But I'm
not sure if I do.  I'm not sure I ever want to be alone.  This is where I get
stuck and confused. I know I should want to be independent but I also just
adore taking care of someone.  But it's not like I want to take care of just
anyone.  I feel safe under someone who is strong and likes to be in charge of
me.  In my mind I feel like that kind of person really needs me and I can be
useful to them.  Do you think it makes me feel as though I have a purpose
when I'm serving someone stronger than me, like Connie?  Or am I just
conditioned like that because of the way I was raised with my cousin?  Is it
any coincidence that I'm attracted to be around people like my cousin?  Can
that kind of conditioning be changed Jaycie?  If I don't change, which seems
easier, am I bad for wanting to be controlled by another person, especially
when that person is so much younger, just as my cousin was?  Does age
really matter when it comes to power in relationships?  I keep on coming back
to this, but if Connie is physically, mentally and emotionally so much more
grown up than me, does it matter how long she has been on the planet
compared with me? I don't think Connie has any bad intentions for me.  I
know she is trying to help me, and I know she loves being over me, it's just so
natural for her to be the authority person, and her mom encourages it all the
time.  Is Connie taking advantage of the power difference between us, or is it
just natural for her because she is so strong and I encourage her to be?

Sorry Jaycie for rambling on again.  I haven't been able to speak like this for a
while. I just hope I don't take advantage of your kindness.  Must go because
Brad is taking a swim soon.

Thank you so much Jaycie.

Yours with much respect.  William

ANSWER: Most people crave attention so that's a normal thing. People like being around people for the most part and in one way or another, you will get attention. If it's not for something good, you do something bad because it will be noticed. What Connie doesn't realize is that she can't just give you attention for messing up. It's a whole mental process. If you have attention for doing good things and the bad things are ignored, you will probably do the good things because that brings more attention.

I don't think she means that you can go. And frankly, I don't think you can make it on your own right now because you've always been taking care of someone else and there's always been someone else in the picture. There's a difference between being alone and living alone. You will always have Rod to take care of. He's your son, even though he's getting older now. You will never be totally alone even if you live in a different house.

Serving people in anyway make you feel needed. And I think you're scared to have that feeling gone. I know you know a little bit about my religion from what I've told you but a very big chunk for what we're taught is that we are to serve each other to help them but also help ourselves by making us feel better and forgeting about our own problems. I think that's what going on with you when you help out around the house.

I will be the first person to tell you that age doesn't matter in the knowledge or power someone can have. There are certain boundaries as to what a younger person will do compared to an older person strictly because a younger person's brain isn't fully developed yet and they act differently. But in some cases, young people can be more mature than older people. You've said that about me before. I'm only 17. So age doesn't really matter for some things but there is a problem when someone as young as Connie is in charge of the house. That goes back to the brain development. She's too young to have the apptitude to understand everything that really needs to be done. I think she's taking some advantage.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Jaycie.  I guess that's my big question about age difference and
maturity.  I think that's why I trust you so much because you are so mature. I
can't believe you are 17. You have so much wisdom.  I really believe that you
will do amazing things in your life, because you are such an amazing and
intelligent person. Can you relate to Connie who is 11? Is she one of the
people you talk about who is more mature than older people, especially me?  
If she is more mature than me doesn't that mean that her brain is more
developed than mine?  It sure feels like it. If Connie is taking advantage is it
because I want and need her to.  Is she taking advantage because she is
physically stronger than me and she knows I'm afraid of her?  I am afraid
when she gets physical with me and when spanks me, but she also praises
me and gives rewards when I do good. How can I be afraid of Connie yet at
the same time be so much in love with her?  I truly adore everything about
her.  Does it make Connie feel good to be in control of someone older, and
why is that jaycie?    Why isn't she as tough with her stepdad?  Is it because
he's closer to her age?  He's in his late 20's.  But Rod is 18 and Connie treats
him like she treats me, so that doesn't make sense.  Does that mean that Rod
is becoming more like me if he let's Connie boss him, or is he just keeping
the peace by doing what she says, or is it because Connie is stronger than
most guys? Have you known girls like her before?  Why are girls so much
smarter than boys at that age?  I know I can't make it on my own Jaycie, I'm
too afraid. Does that make me depend on Connie more, and then does that
makes her feel more powerful?  Oh I have a lot of questions.  I'm really happy
but I want to understand who I am better so that I can be better. I was going
to say, I want to be better for Connie, but I should want to be better for
myself, I know.  Thank you for being who you are Jaycie and helping me
understand all these really difficult things that I struggle with.  I can't believe
how much you know.

Yours with so much respect. William

ANSWER: Maturity is more of a personality thing than a development thing. And the personality part of your brain isn't fully developed until you are 21. That's why teens are the ones who are 'trying to find themselves' and they change a lot. Their brains are actually making them do it. So with Connie, I think she acts more mature, rather than really being mature. I think her mom gave her a role and now she's trying to fill it but she's more or less playing house. I really don't think she can understand exactly what she's doing and the consequences of it. She just sees that she's supposed to be in charge.

Most people are the same. If they have an opportunity to take charge, they will and I think that's what Connie is doing. That's the job her mom gave her. That's why it feels good to her and that's why she wants to do it.

She's probably not as tough with her step dad because he actually had authority over her. She has to do what he says, whether he makes her or not. And she probably know that so she doesn't push him that hard. But you and Rod are from a different family and she was told to push you around and tell you what to do. I think Rod is just kind of going with it because he doesn't want to stop it or he doesn't think it's important enough to stop it. But I haven't talked to him in a while so I can't be sure.

Girls mature and grow faster than boys until they're in high school. Then the boys catch up and it balances out. It's a hormone thing that has to do with puberty and just growing up.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for that fantastic explanation Jaycie.  It helps me to understand
Connie's mind  better. I will spend time now thinking about your advice and
look for ways to make changes in my relationship with Connie.  In the
meantime may I please just keep submitting to her authority over me,
because I think it will take some time for me to save up the strength to
challenge her authority and to also stop being addicted to worshiping her.  It
makes me cry just thinking about how to even begin to challenge her.  But I
also start to cry when I imagine what it would be like not to be able to
worship her. Connie can be really intimidating. She's now over 12 inches
taller than me and her muscles are bigger too from all the sports she's
involved with and she loves showing me how strong she is.  But I really love
her strength over me especially when she picks me up off the floor or pins
me down when she wrestles with me and makes me say that I submit to her.  I
even like it when she holds me under the water in the pool.  I know I
shouldn't be telling you this stuff because it really shows how weak and
pathetic I am, but you understand my situation better than anyone else in the
whole world Jaycie, so I need to say this stuff.   Why do I love her more when
she is cruel to me?  Is that a classic submissive thing?  Can you please explain
what being submissive means Jaycie?  Please tell me how to completely love
and respect Connie and then at the same time attempt to challenge her
authority over me without her hurting me. I tried talking with her mom before
but she just tells me to do what Connie tells me to or suffer the
consequences. And she said she's too busy to get involved anyway. Why is her
mom like that?  Does she do it to make Connie get strong?  I think I told you
that when Connie's mom isn't in the house then Connie is the boss over
everyone, even her stepdad. I tell Connie all the time how much I love and
respect her even after she uses her crop on me. I always tell her how strong
and beautiful she is and I know that always pleases her.  Stephanie had a
photographer come and take pictures of everyone and I have the walls in my
little room looking like a shrine to Connie because she made so many big
pictures of herself for me to hang up.  I have 8 posters of her up and I love
them so much.  They make my room look so happy even though Connie isn't
smiling in any of them.  What will happen when I stop trying to please
Connie, will that make her angry with me?  How should I start Jaycie? Thank
you so much for listening to me. When I hear back from you again, no rush, I
will take a few weeks to find a way to process your advice about how to make
changes. I know I take too much of your time already.   I just had a few more
questions for you.  I was holding back from telling you some of the things
that happen because I thought you would think I was crazy.  What would be a
good first thing to do Jaycie?  When Connie gets back this evening I may not
be able to speak as openly because she will be supervising my internet use.  I
like that though because it stops me looking at things that are not good for
me. and hurt me in the long run.  Connie is so strict about that.  Isn't that
good Jaycie?

I promise to stop asking so many questions Jaycie.  It's just that I know you
have so much to teach me.  You are my best teacher ever.

Yours respectfully, William

Answer
I think you like the attention you get when she bosses you around. That's it. It could come from anyone and you would say you love them too. That's the reason why you like Brad and Stephanie too. They give you attention and that's what you want.

Being submissive is giving into the will of someone else no matter what you think about it. It's basically not thinking about your actions and just doing what everyone tells you to do and letting them boss you around. It can be good at some times but there has to be a balance somewhere.

You have to decide what you want to do because you have to deal with the consequences, not me. Sorry. You need to do this on your own. She will probably be angry with you but if you stand your ground, you can do it and she'll get used to the idea.