Expert: Bodhicitta - 1/23/2008

Question
Hello,
My name is Victoria and I am from New Orleans, Louisiana USA.
I go to a catholic school, and right now am influenced more by other people then myself in deciding the religion for me. Sadly it sounds has if I'm talking about ice cream flavors here. But this is just to tell you that I don't have a strong foundation. And maybe the quote," If you don't stand for anything, you will fall for anything" describes me at this moment.

Now that you have some background my question is more advice.
My boyfriend is a very devoted Tibetan Buddhist. He is considering becoming a monk. Many times throughout our relationship he says that if I do something that makes him upset, he will simply let me go. Still be happy for me in whatever decision and love me, but let me go. Also may times throughout our relationship he tells me that if this relationship does not work out. He going to start to try and become a monk. Its almost as if he tells me your my last chance at this. Since he tells me this, I do try and do things right constantly. And when I do make a mistake beg for him to take me back. I remember one time he told me that all attachments lead to suffering. Am I keeping him from what he must do become a monk? Is this attachment he feels to me causing him suffering? Am I holding him back? I was wondering what is the Buddhist view on attachment? Am I being selfish in holding him back? Should I let him go? If I really loved him I would let him go....

Answer
Hi Victoria
thank you for your question.

If you wanted to adopt a Buddhist approach  to your relationship then I would advise you to really
have a complete openness to  love and not an attached
manipulative love. There seems a lot of confusion around
what Buddhists mean by non-attachment. It isnt that you
don't love and value the relationships in your life, it
is that your don't have a selfish approach.So often
love comes with strings, and blackmail. This is often
through insecurities, and a lack of confidence.

So how do you have unselfish love? Well it is hard! But you
can train yourself to do this better. Buddhist has meditation on unselfish love. These meditations work not
just sitting down, but in everyday life.

You could start maybe, by trying to have a complete openness
to the situation. Remove all your preconceptions from how
things should be. Your love would simply pour out without
needing feedback, or anything in return. You could simply
have confidence that being true to your heart, and being
open and having love is enough. You could forget about
your worries and insecurities . Imagine a world where everyone was selfless and loving. How would such a world come about? Well the only way it would start to come about is if  one
person  was courageous enough to start to be like that. So why dont you be that person? That is the practice of
Buddhism - start with yourself.

There is no need to be a monk. You can practice right now.
Relationships are the most challenging and fertile place
to be a Buddhist.


I wish you well Victoria. Have confidence in your own nature. Which is according to Buddhism, Buddha nature
and simply shine like the sun. The universe will respond
to the sunlight - but you can never begin to guess how
but the new day will be wonderful.
Bodhicitta