Expert: Justin Choo - 10/22/2008

Question
hi,
I am very interested in buddhism but I am struggling with the concept of
attachment.  I am recently out of a relationship (4 months) and I can't get my
head around how do I let go or this person go?  How does one truly let go and
detatch?  I want to be happy and I want to not think about this person
anymore because it hurts too much.
How shall I get started in buddhism if I can't let go of a relationship?  
thanks

Answer
Hi Sam,

I have commented on this several times.  May I post it here again.  After reading through this, you may come back for any clarification.  So let's start from here:

The Buddha reminded us that "anger" is one of our 3 evil roots. The 3 evil roots are "greed", "hatred", and "delusion". "Anger" is a form of hatred. "Delusion" is our ignorance to comprehend the true nature of our lives and the world. These 3 roots cause us great pain because we react to conditions in the wrong way leading us to greater miseries. Take "anger" for instance. Medical science has proven that when we get angry, our system heats up, all energy wasted to further support this heat wave when we wallow in this cycle of adding fuel to the fire. Our bodies literally burn inside us; consuming us both spiritually and physically. Knowing this fact, do we still want to hurt ourselves by this foolish behaviour?

Your current feeling may not be anger, but something else.  However, the above reasoning is still applicable.
 
It is already bad enough that others had hurt us, or we had hurt ourselves. Do we want to further hurt ourselves? By getting angry and unforgiving, we think that we are getting even with the other party, or expressing remorse. No. It is like spitting up in the air, as the Buddha said.

It is easy to advise that we radiate loving kindness to those who have hurt us. I find this to be too difficult for most people. Why not take the rational approach?

First we have to be sure that they are the ones who had wronged us. Many times we may be the culprits. Well, assuming they had hurt us. First, is to take whatever rational approach available, legally or diplomatically.

Now come to the spiritual aspect. You have done whatever that needs to be done...that's all. Now you get on with your life. When we start living life in this positive manner, we will have inner peace. Let nature, kamma, or whatever, takes its course. The Buddha reminded us that if we follow the Dhamma, his teachings, the Dhamma protects us. This is the type of confidence that a wise Buddhist will have. Given time, we will find that we can genuinely forgive those who had hurt us. Then we will have complete peace in ourselves.

It is not easy to forgive. I know because I also face the same problem. But you can just let go of the thought of being hurt. This is the BUDDHIST WAY: to let go when the thought comes. Note the thoughts, but not to block or "control" them.  JUST NOTE, period.  After a while, the hurt will begin to subside because you are not allowing the recurrent thought to torture your mind and ruin your life. You have to replace this cancerous thought of hate and not forgiving, with thoughts of magnanimity and acceptance of what HAD ALREADY HAPPENED.

Do not allow the hateful thought to linger in your mind. If you do so, then you will get caught again in the cycle of hate and unforgiveness. The "WHY THIS?" and "WHY THAT?" will go on and on in circles in your mind and the person being tormented is the person who allows this poison to pollute the serenity of the mind. The choice is yours. No one can force you to do things that you do not wish done. However, if you have faith in human goodness, then take the path pointed by the Buddha for one's own welfare.


This is the Buddha's advice in order to live an auspicious day:

You shouldn't chase after the past
or pin your hopes on the future.
What is past is left behind.
The future hasn't yet arrived.

What experience is present
you clearly see
right there, right there:
not taken in, unshaken.
That's how you develop your heart.

Ardently doing what should be done TODAY
For who knows, tomorrow death may come.
There is no bargaining with death and his mighty hordes.

Whoever lives thus diligently,
relentlessly both day and night
has truly had an auspicious day!

(The Buddha: Majjhima Nikaya 131)


Take care.

Justin Choo.

[I like to invite you to visit my blog:]
http://lifeislikethat999.blogspot.com/

[And this blog by Rev. Dhammika:]
http://sdhammika.blogspot.com/