Expert: Justin Choo - 12/21/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Justin Choo,
I know this is going to be a bit large mail but please don’t treat this as garbage. I m really expecting an answer from you and highly appreciate that. I’m making this mail private because I thought it would be more suitable in that way.  You might wonder why im writing this mail to you and only to you. I am a good Buddhist and I have read lots of Dhamma books by Ven Dr. K.Sri Dhammananda and other Sri Lankan monks. I accidently found this site today as I was searching some answers for troubleshooting some of my router’s issues. I found this is very interesting site and took many hours to read it. (www.allexperts.com)When I saw there is a category for religion, thought to dig it a bit since im really interesting about Buddhism.  Whenever I came across any difficulty in my life I had this habit to find an proper answer from Buddhism since as far as I know there is no any other great teacher than the Lord Buddha. That’s why im writing this mail directly to you as i believe you have the patience to listen to my story and provide an answer. I have no one to tell this.

Here is my story,

I’m 26 years old girl living in Sri Lanaka. All my family members are Buddhists.  My problem is (most people would say this is a problem)I don’t like guys much and instead of I like girls. I don’t know exact reason for this and this feeling comes right inside of my mind. Believe me im a good girl I don’t want to have sex with girls just for fun. I wanted a life partner as the love of my life. Although im 26 im still a virgin and haven’t been with anyone else before. (With a girl or a boy). Here in Sri lanka same sex marriages are not allowed. But  if I want I can fly to another country which allows that type of marriages and can happily live my life with a girl. But I don’t want to do that because I just cant be a selfish girl and hurt my loving parents for my own pleasure. They were always  there with me when I needed them and I just can’t ignore them. I love my parents very much. They think im living happily but only I know how much im suffering inside because of this. But through mediation I have been able to make up my mind a lot. They want me to get married as usual parents. I know I can make up my mind and if I ever get married I would be a good wife to my husband and a good mother to my children. I know I can do this as I came this far bearing all these feelings.  I thoroughly believe I have made this far because of what I have learnt from the Buddhism. So that’s my story. I told you this because if I directly asked my question you would think I am a crazy girl and why im writing to you instead of visiting a doctor. Hope you can understand me.

Here is my question,

As far as I know Lord Buddha has stated that no one should engage with any person for any kind of sexual activity if it is illegal or if the person doesn’t belong to you legally. Correct me if im wrong. So if someone could marry a girl legally and make love to her will it be accepted? I hope you will give any kind of answer or an advice or explanation from Buddhism perspective.

Thanks a lot.
May Triple Gem Bless You


ANSWER: Hi Newgirl,

Your correspondence here will be classified as "Private" and rest assured that the public will not view this.

First let us explore the subject of "sexual deviation".

This subject is a very controversial and sensitive one. My comment will also surely be treated as such. In the final analysis, one must use one's common sense and human intelligence to think, analyze, and decide for oneself.

Throughout history, societies have always wanted to play "God" and impose "moral" judgement on others who do not "behave" like them; not that their moral codes are necessarily correct. The Buddha did not introduce any "new" or "special" moral standard for his followers, but advised them to think and analyze by using their human intelligence and just plain common sense. We do not have to depend on any "super power" or anyone for that matter to teach us what is generally right or wrong; for example; stealing, killing, and telling lies. Likewise we don't have to succumb to others' opinions about our own private lives. There are actually only three simple rules which we need to consider for everything:
1. Is the action harmful to oneself?
2. Is the action harmful to others?
3. Is the action beneficial?

The Buddhist perspective of life is that this "being" consists of the physical body and the mind. The existence of this being is the results of the energy of the mind taking existence in this physical body. The nature of life-form that this mind energy affixes to, will depend on the nature of the accumulated "kammic" store-house which the being had generated throughout its numerous life existences.

In this sense, you can consider that evil mental energies will seek out conditions that favour such existence (and vise versa). This also applies to one's sexual orientation. Although genes play a great part in one's character, in my opinion, it is one's kammic storehouse that seeks out the type of existence to be reborn; in this case to have a tendency to be attracted to the same sex.  

The mind if properly trained will be able to counter the bad effects of bad genes. As for your case, a properly trained mind with clear understanding will be able to counter the adverse effects of "differing" sexual orientation. In my personal layman opinion, your condition is purely sexual and physical. Let not this "differing" condition affect your mind as well. Our mind is very powerful. But just like fire, it works both ways. Practise the pristine teachings of the Buddha.

I honestly don't know how to offer you any remedy for your so-called "problem".  Neither do I believe any psychiatrist/doctor can offer a remedy.   

As for those people in our socities, they are mere mortals like you and me. We all have our prejudices due to our mental "blindness" which we are unable to see the real picture of life and existence.


Now coming back to the practical aspect of your situation, I would say that it is your choice to live your life that you deem fit and proper.  However, you should be careful not to reveal your tendency to anyone.  This is to avoid any problem arising from people's inability to accept or empathize with you.  

As for the Buddhist viewpoint, the third precept is not about illegal sexual relationship.  It is about "sexual misconduct".  Sexual misconduct will include adultery, and forced sexual relationship.  What two consenting persons do in private cannot be construed as "sexual misconduct" even if it is illegal.  Illegal means against the society's law, which may not be the same as universal laws, or laws of nature.

I shall stop here.  My comments may not be comprehensive or clear.  Should you like to pursue this discussion, or like to seek further clarifications, please come back. I shall try my best to answer them.  

I am here specifically to answer questions in the Buddhist perspective, so please feel free to ask further if you need to.

Take care.

Justin Choo

 





---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,

Thank you very much for your descriptive and helpful answer. I really appreciate it. Actually I really want and really like to talk with you about some questions and issues I got in my mind, if you think I’m not a headache to you. As I read the last lines of your reply mail I felt like wow I finally found someone nice person like you to talk with. You have really answered to my mail that’s what really important to me. Because I thought you would not answer it. So thanks again.  
I totally agree with you in being a free and accurate thinker instead of listening or depending on other’s views always to take decisions. Lord Buddha has said “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” I know for my situation here, giving a direct answer is really difficult as it is depending on several other factors also. Anyone can guide me to take a decision or to think correctly but when comes to the final conclusion it totally depends on my own ideas, experiences, common sense and what I have learnt so far from various learning sources. Although I don’t have the opportunity to love to a girl and legally marry her and spend a happy life as normal couple I truly believe we should have such laws here. We have lots of people like me in this society but most of them are afraid of coming out and express their own feelings. And it is really funny some people screaming “No we should not allow gay activities, we should not allow same sex marriages and so on” It is like asking a straight girl to love another girl. It would be really hard for her right? Because it is not the way she is. Lots of funny things happen in the society. But one day people will realize and change the rules.  No one can discriminate or neglect those people because that’s how they are. That’s what they really feel inside. So there should be some kind of law for those people also. I know there are lots of arguments going on about this matter but only the person has the problem knows the real pain. And my personal opinion is about LOVE is, it is universal and very open thing.  It really doesn’t matter the other partner is a girl or a boy. What matters most is if you can really fall in love with the person and if you can live happily with him/her by doing well to the society. Most people say and in science perspective females are for reproduce and men are for have sex with them and help them to make babies in order to keep the life cycle ongoing. But what is the purpose of keeping the human life cycle ongoing? Is it because that’s the nature or its merely a wrong concept or an illusion? If it is the nature, as Buddhist are we trying to fight against the nature?
As far as I know according to the Buddhism in order to attain NIRVANA one must stop all sexual activities in LATER stages in Buddha’s path. Because desire is the root cause for sufferings. (Correct me if I’m wrong). This birth, sufferings and rebirth thing is an illusion I guess. As Buddhists we are trying to stop this sufferings. What would happen if all the people became Buddhists monk and attained NIRVANA. Then where is this continuation of the human life cycle? I would like to know your own ideas about these views of mine.
I should thankful to you for correcting me regarding the third precept. But let me explain it bit. What you are saying is let’s say if one person is married and he is seeing another married woman. Both are having sex upon both agreement and it won’t be a violation of the third precept right? I have some questions about fifth precept also but I will tell that to later because I think we should clarify things one by one.Hope to hear you soon.

Thanks a lot.
May Triple Gem Bless You


Answer
Hi Newgirl,

Welcome back.  As I said you can visit me any time you want.  I am here specifically to answer your questions.  But next time please click the "ask a question" to start a new "thread", so that this thread will not go too long.

As for same sex "marriage", I think this sounds a bit strange.  Marriage is supposed to be between two different sexes.  Maybe I am too "old fashioned"!  Asian cultures are generally more "conservative".  I know of "couples" of same sex living together as "friends".  No one can condemn them , even the law cannot touch them.  I think this is a very practical and convenient arrangement.  "Live and let live"!!

Your comment:
"What you are saying is let’s say if one person is married and he is seeing another married woman. Both are having sex upon both agreement and it won’t be a violation of the third precept right? "

The above will be adultery, and is breaking the third precept.  If both parties are not legally married to anyone, then they are not breaking the third precept.

Hope to hear from you again; perhaps the question on fifth precept?

Take care.

Justin Choo

[I like to invite you to visit my blog:]
http://lifeislikethat999.blogspot.com/

[And these sites by Rev. Dhammika:]
http://sdhammika.blogspot.com/
http://www.buddhismatoz.com/