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Buddhists/Materialism & Partnership

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Expert: - 4/19/2008


Question
Dear Alex,

I feel in a bit of a pickle about my beliefs in relation to my partner. He is very materialistic and following a career in politics, where as i am a carer and believe materialism does not equal success in life. I have tried to be accommodating to his lifestyle choices (we do not live together), but i am struggling to only show kindess, when his "i need [the object] to feel relaxed/ successful/ complete"-attitudes are there every time we speak.

How do i work to maintain this relationship without feeling  "stuck" (predominantly with tightness in my throat chakra each time) and "hurt" by his views?

Thanks,

Rowena

Answer
Dear Rowena,
Your situation does sound difficult. Of course, your message only gives a tiny insight into your life, so I can only offer a few guesses as to what might help.
The first thing that strikes me is that I wonder if you have faced the question of: do you *really* want to maintain the relationship? In other words, is it possible that you are asking this question because you starting to look for the way out? If that is the case, if you know, deep down, that really the two of you are just not compatible, then it is going to be better to work on bringing it to an end with dignity than pretending to work to keep it going.
But if that guess is wrong, and you really do want to maintain it, then I wonder if it might help just to open and accept the painful bits? Buddhism does, after all, tell us that life *is* painful. Not all of it, to be sure, but the pain can't be avoided. It could be that once you accept that "oh yes, that's the painful bit, but it's okay, it's worth it" you may find that there is a quick, sharp pang and then it's over. The tightness in your throat centre might be because, almost literally, you are unwilling to "swallow" these things about your partner. So you either have to spit it out and try to end the relationship with kindness, or really just swallow it, and think that your relationship really is a delicious and nourishing soup, even though it has one or two fatty lumps in it.
Does that help at all?
All the best
Alex W

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Alex Wilding

Expertise

I have practiced and studied Tibetan Buddhism in the Kagyu and Nyingma traditions since the early 1970s, and have a good knowledge of theory, history and of the struggles of trying to practice the teachings, including meditation, while leading a normal, modern life. I am also available to provide background information for journalists.

Experience

I have been a practitioner since the early 1970s; have run a small Buddhist centre in the English Midlands and was vice-president of Kagyu Benchen Ling e.V. in Germany, for whom I managed three large Buddhist summer-camps. More importantly, I maintain a habit of personal practice. I am the "owner" of the Kagyu list at Yahoo.

Education/Credentials
My first degree was an M.A. from Oxford. I later obtained a Master of Philosophy degree for a research thesis in "Initiation in Tibetan Buddhism" from Leicester University. I also have engineering and educational qualifications.

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