Expert: Justin Choo - 8/25/2008

Question
I am struggling with the idea of grasping and clinging with regards to my children - by loving them and worrying about them is that grasping and clinging? I want them to grow up and be adults and do their own thing but I do love to be around them - I would be devastated if something happened to them.  Is that sort of un-buddhist? I look forward to learning from your response

Answer
Hi Christina,

The Buddhist concept of "grasping and clinging" is deeper than just "worrying" about our children.

"Grasping and clinging" are the results of our desire for things. The "desire" the Buddha was referring to was about sensual desires.  Sensual desires refer to desires of the 5 senses.  These sensual desires are unquenchable.  It is the very nature of physical senses.  Take for example, hunger.  Once the hunger is satisfied with intake of food; the process of depletion starts, and after some time one feels hungry again.  Another aspect of sense desire is the stronger feeling of craving.  One's craving to satisfy one's desire is itself a catalyst to crave for more.  When this craving goes unchecked, one becomes crazy!  So the option is opened to anyone who follows the Buddha's teachings:  to continue feeding these desires with more craving, or to come to one's senses to reduce this crazy cycle of on-going "madness".

Under normal circumstances, we will have a certain degree of likes and dislikes. It is a matter of conducting our lives with a bit of wisdom. There will be occasions which make us happy; and others which make us unhappy. It is part and parcel of life. The most important lesson is to understand the first Noble Truth of "Unsatisfactoriness" or "Imperfection". We may have certain attachment to various things at various times. When conditions are favourable to us, we derive happiness from these attachments. And surely, when conditions are unfavourable, we experience unhappiness. Our opposing feelings reflecting both conditions are due to our association with worldly affairs. So long as we live in this world, we cannot escape from this scenario.

As for our children, it is our worldly and moral responsibility to care and protect them.  In so doing, the inevitable worry and anxiety come as a package.  It is perfectly natural that we are "attached" to our children.  We cannot relegate this parental responsibilty.  When our children are small then we must take care of them.  The big question is when to gradually let go of them as they eventually grow up.  This is the tricky part.

The art of living is to "wise-up" our outlook on life. Do not be "TOO ATTACHED" to our children. Be ready to "LET GO" of them when the time comes.  When we can SEE this bigger picture of life, then we are willing to ACCEPT the inevitable. We can then "LET GO" of that which we cannot hold forever. Then we no longer have any problem due to "attachment" or "grasping and clinging".

The problem in life is not so much of attachment. The real problem is our inability to let-go of the attachment when conditions dictate that we should. It is just like the "angry young man". But when we come to terms with reality, it is just like growing old and becoming more mellow; life becomes more peaceful.

We must have the wisdom to live a skilful life with moderation, to enjoy and be peaceful and be happy.  

Justin Choo :-)