Expert: Alex Wilding - 9/8/2008

Question
QUESTION: My girlfriend of 7 years just left me for her 1st
cousin,she says they were meant to be together and are
having a Buddhist wedding oct 10th. She is not buddhist and
said she is not converting,she quit her job,left her
kids,selling her house and lastly left me. Is this normal
in the Buddhist way to cultivate relatives for lovers or
mates? By the way his wife of 25 years just died of cancer
3 weeks ago. Just trying to see what the Buddhist way is?
She seems to be enlightend all of a sudden. By the way she
has not seen her cousin in 30 years.

ANSWER: Dear Mike,
Marriage is not a matter with which Buddhism is closely concerned - it is more a matter for the society in which Buddhism operates. Kindness, generosity, patience and so on are the things that should govern a Buddhist's actions. Specific promises like "I'll stay with you until I die" are matters for the people concerned. Had you made promises to each other?

As far as I know, marriage between first cousins is legal in most countries.

Why do you say that she seems to be enlightened? Buddhism generally starts with the recognition that we are *not* enlightened, and that we need to do something about it!

From this distance, it is impossible to judge whether your ex-girlfriend is being wise and good or whether she is being wicked and stupid.

The main thing that Buddhism has to say about these things is that the end of meeting is *always* parting. As long as we *need* someone else for our happiness, we will be bound to have trouble sooner or later. Your task now is to find out whether you are going to let yourself be ground down by this obviously sad situation, or whether you are able to genuinely wish the couple well and in that way give yourself a chance to be happy in the future.

Well that's one version of the Buddhist point of view. Whether or not it will help you, I can't say, but I do hope so.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your quick response,in a 30 day period,she went to visit her cousin,I encouraged it,he did just lose his wife,she came back like some one I had never known. Something happend? She broke things off with me and told the story. I am just trying to see what has happend if the religion took over or it was her looking to leave everything she has known behind. I believe(cuz) he had said all the right things to her,to hook her.
I know marrying cousins happens,that don't mean I agree with it.
I do not know how wise it is to quit a good job and leave 2 teens behind,telling them she dont know when she will see them again if ever?
Its been a few weeks of being buried with this burden,but I am sure I will recover in time,I lead a simple life.
I am reserved on wishing them happiness at this time.
Thank you for your opinion. I am serching for a little closure at the moment. She has offered none other than he is a buddhist and they are getting married.


Answer
Dear Mike,
I hope you find some of the closure you seek. My own experience has been that love is quite unpredictable. Sometimes it happens because, the "right" things are said or done, sometimes it happens in a way that suits everyone - sometimes it doesn't. You can do all sorts of things that may or may not be helpful, but *nobody* can force it.
Good luck - I really mean that!