Expert: Stuart Resnick - 1/27/2009

Question
Dear expert,

There's a question bothering me for quite a long time. The purpose of asking is actually simple: to know how to behave appropriately, since I don't even know it.

There are some people in my life, whom I don't like. The degrees of dislike vary, from slight dislike to severe hatred. In regards of those people, I simply: do not seek revenge on their mistakes to me, avoid contact at all cost and assume they do not live in this world.

A simple example: my wife's younger sister's boyfriend. He committed wrongdoings on me, even before he knew me. He tried to deceive money until I quickly found out and made a prevention. Yet, the younger sister was so blind and stupid, and easily influenced by the boyfriend in a bad way. I demanded their separation, but the family couldn't take harsh action to force the separation. The family only asked her to separate, to which she ignored the order and went on.

When visiting their family, and if the boyfriend was there, I simply ignored his presence and pretended he wasn't there. I assume he's not exist in this world. I also refrain from talking to my wife's sister. I also dislike her now. I told my wife if her sister want to marry the guy, I will no longer regard her as my sister-in-law.

That's a simple example. There are certainly some more similar cases, which I can't possibly outline all here.

I'm asking to consult the more appropriate attitude towards this matter. An easy answer is: forgive. Certainly, "forgive" is not equal to "forget". I don't seek revenge, but they can still wrong me again. I believe, "mercy" is different to "stupidity". To hazardous people, I will avoid. Circumstances often force me to come across those people again.

I'm a Buddhist for many years, even often deliver lectures in my temple, but haven't found the answer to this one.

Thank you in advance for your answer.


Answer
As Buddhists and as humans, it's our job to try to help all beings, without exception. That doesn't mean we have to like everyone. If you like someone, then use that affection to help all beings. If you hate someone, you can try repeating a mantra to make the hate-mind disappear. When you repeat the mantra, it can make I/my/me disappear; without I/my/me, there's no hatred. However, if it's not possible to make the hatred disappear, then you can use that hatred to help all beings.

In each situation, just ask yourself, "How can I help all beings?" Cultivate the humility of remembering that we can never be sure what's good and what's bad. We can never be sure how to help other beings. Sometimes, you help other people with kind, gentle words. Sometimes, you help by ignoring people or yelling at them. We can only keep the question, and try our best to do our job moment to moment. Whether you succeed or fail doesn't matter, because in either case, you just keep trying in the next moment.