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Buddhists - Anxious while meditating?
Expert: Joe McSorley - 10/28/2009
Question
Hello again ^_^! I just had a question about meditating.
You see, whenever I meditate, I tend to get anxious about screwing up. I suppose I'm attached to doing well on my meditation, so what I usually think is "one... two..." and then when I get to the higher numbers I think "Six... seven... uh oh I'm probably going to screw up... eight... I'm going to think of something... I better not think of something... darn it, where was I?".
It's not quite the fact that I am attached to the meditating that is the problem, though. It's almost like I get *scared* of not thinking for so long. It is difficult to explain. When my mind is beginning to quiet and I don't think any distracting thoughts for several counts, it's like looking at an enormous ocean, like it is too big to take on. Thinking that I am gong to be sitting there for over an hour I suppose is what makes me anxious, almost bored. I suppose I just get frustrated and worried, and then my thoughts go hay-wire, and I actually get a headache sometimes from doing it. ^_^
Do you have any tips for calming yourself down to really get into the meditation, or any tips on trying not to think about time when you are meditating (ie, not worry about how long you have to meditate, how you should or shouldn't be meditating, whether you are doing it right, whether you will screw up, etc)?
Answer
Dear Nicolaas,
Once again I must reiterate that I am not a meditation teacher nor do I tell people to meditate. I find most meditation misses the point of Zen and tends to be its own animal. You are so worried about doing the technique and screwing it up that you miss the purpose of meditation and that is to stop the dualistic mind and to see the root of your being. There is not a right way to breathe or sit to do this; it just requires that you commit your mind and thoughts to this goal. Ask yourself “who is it that is anxious?” Just concentrate on that and forget about everything else. Is it in your spleen, mind or stomach or is it only there when your thoughts arise? When are you, you and when are you not you? Investigate this fully.
When meditation is a chore it becomes something you want to do and get over it, like homework. In this sense it is not a genuine or honest practice but something that is externally forced upon you. If you are only doing it because it’s part of your school or assigned to you then it is worthless. Stop looking at meditation as this ‘thing’ you practice. Who is it that wants to meditate, who is it that is anxious? Investigate this fully with all of your being. Don’t speculate on it but concentrate on it deeply. If you feel anxious inquire within who or what it is that feels anxious, who makes these statements about whom? Who is it that is sitting here, now? Most basically ask ‘who am I’? Face this and face it completely and forget about technique. When this takes grip on you it will not let go. As the mind settles into this your breathing will be natural and you won’t be aware of it. People get really good at the technique of meditation and breath control but have no idea who they are. They never get to the root of the problem, they just put a gag on it. Is the purpose of meditation to meditate or to reach the truth of who you are?
If you practice self inquiry fully it will bear great fruit to you.
Take care,
Joe
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