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You are here: Experts > Homework Help > Buddhism > Buddhists > intrusive father
Buddhists - intrusive father
Expert: Joe McSorley - 10/17/2009
Question
Hi there, I am wondering if there is a specific mudra or breathing exercise or meditation you can tell me of that will help me deal with a domineering intrusive father who keeps trying to control me. I would like to deal with this situation in a peaceful manner as often talking about it with him either keeps things the same or makes them worse so I am focusing now on working on myself from within so that my external reality changes. any help on this? thanks :)
Answer
Dear NG,
I fully understand your question and the problems that arise when dealing with someone who is unreasonable and intrusive. It would seem to us that the problem arises due to their personality but is that really the issue? It’s a problem for you because it is a problem for you. I don’t mean that to be nonsensical but to be an existential fact of your self versus his personality. That is not to say that you are being unreasonable feeling this way but ultimately it is your reaction to him that causes the problem in you yourself. It is because you know him and have relationship with him that you carry these feelings about the situation. It is your reaction that creates the problem within you brought about by outside conditions. If you did not know him and he treated you this way you would have little or no reaction to his intrusiveness. You are conditioned by history and relationship with him so you have an identity with him. As you maintain this self-identity you also maintain the problem.
If this were someone you didn’t care about you would dismiss them and not carry this problem inside of you. Because of the relationship and identity issue you, knowingly or not, choose to carry the problem onward, it is not forced upon you but carried by you. It may be that when he is actually there in your presence that this is clearly annoying but when he walks away the only way this problem can exist is when you carry it in your thoughts and mind. If this were some insistent yapping little dog you would be annoyed when around it but the second it was gone you would be free of the effect; you would not carry it onward. In this sense all of us create the problem when the problem is no longer there. You can do a breathing exercise or mantra to distract you from the problem but it’s like taking a pain reliever; it subdues the pain but not the root cause of the pain. In this sense you are ever removing the quills of the porcupine but never removing the porcupine.
I think that a more genuine way to deal with this is to try to see where the problem or pain from this experience rests. In other words, if you are upset then who is the person who is upset? If you feel anxiety over this, where does this reside? When your father is bothering you look at yourself and ask ‘where is it that this is bothering me, what is reacting to this’? Is it in your stomach, heart, spleen, and bones or does it exist in your thought? Where is the actual pain as pain itself? Who is NG that feels this pain? Can it exist without the thought of it? An injured arm hurts whether you think about it or not but what of this anxiety? When Hui ka approached Bodhidharma and said “My heart/mind is not at ease” (generally translated as I have anxiety) Bodhidharma replied “ Give it to me that I may pacify it”. In other words, give me yourself, this thing that is in anxiety, face it here and now. When faced with this Hui ka became enlightened. When you face the anxiety you have in the moment you will see it is a creation or response of your mind and not an actual pain. When you stop making it real with your thoughts and face what it really is, it will disappear. In the moment when your father is bothering you quiet your mind and don’t react with thoughts to it but see it in the moment and don’t give it qualities or values. Just be still mentally and don’t grab it or carry it, just witness it, observe it like you would a passing cloud and let it go. It only has the meaning you give it. When you react to it as NG you are bring the past all your preconceptions of who you are into the fray. You have to let go of your self-identity and see it, as it is, in the moment and not have all those attachments to it. It is the identity of NG that reacts, the self that you hold onto as yourself, the self that is not your father, that has anxiety, but not the root of your being that has this pain. This pain is subjective and conditional to your existence and thought but does not exist beyond your attachment to it or thoughts about it. It is the hanging onto your identity as opposed to his identity that creates this problem. He is intrusive, okay, so he is intrusive, you just happen to be the object of that at the moment, let it go. The dog yaps at you until the next person passes by, do you care about that? No, you observe it, react to it when it’s there and move on carrying nothing with you.
You can love your father and care for him and at the same time not be attached to his perceived idiosyncrasies. He is as attached to his self-identity and opinion of the world as you are to yours. He has been conditioned over the years to react as he does and you have been conditioned to react as you do. Both are relative positions that think they see the right way. When you get to the root of ‘who is this that is feeling annoyed’ you will release yourself from this anxiety completely. Really, truly face this when this happens. Where is this pain, who am I that feels this, where do I carry it? As it happens look at yourself and see this and don’t just be a reaction to what is going on. You will find it has no reality other than the thoughts you give it.
I hope this helps you. Take care,
Joe
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