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You are here: Experts > Homework Help > Buddhism > Buddhists > intrusive father
Buddhists - intrusive father
Expert: Laurie McLauglin - 10/17/2009
Question
Hi there, I am wondering if there is a specific mudra or breathing exercise or meditation you can tell me of that will help me deal with a domineering intrusive father who keeps trying to control me. I would like to deal with this situation in a peaceful manner as often talking about it with him either keeps things the same or makes them worse so I am focusing now on working on myself from within so that my external reality changes. any help on this? thanks :)
Answer
Hello NG -
Thank you for letting me answer your question.
I am sorry you are having trouble with your father.
You are right. The only control one has in this world is the control one has on one's own mind. No one can change another person. That person has to want to change from within and only then can a person change. So best to work on ones self and that includes working on having compassion for the other person who is causing you suffering.
To answer your question, a mudra is simply a hand gesture and although they do represent different things, in the nine years I have studied Tibetan Mahayana Buddhism I have never heard of a mudra used to help deal with a negative situation.
As far as a breathing meditation to help with a negative situation, there are a couple. One can do a simple breathing meditation to help keep one grounded and to help not have a knee jerk reaction to the negative situation in which you find yourself. There are many types of breathing meditations if you do not know how to do one, I will be happy to show you. Just ask.
There is also another meditation called Tong Len. It is where you take on the suffering of the person such as your father on your in breath and focus that suffering toward eliminating your own self cherishing and then on your out breath, send your father golden light of great joy and compassion and healing. If you have any questions about this please ask.
Another meditation is called equanimity. In this meditation, you visualize someone in your life whom you like very much, someone you feel neutral about and then and you visualize someone you hare having trouble with like your father. Then you generate the feeling of great happiness that comes when you think about your friend. You then generate the feeling of suffering when you think about the person you have trouble with. Then you generate the feeling of neutrality you feel when you think of someone you don't really know very well. These are all three very different feelings right? Now analyze how some people in your life who are friends have become strangers or enemies and how some enemies and strangers have become your friends. Then realize that the labels we put on people can change. They change because we change them. The labels do not come from the side of the friend,enemy or stranger. So because these labels come from our own minds, just as we can have great compassion for our friend, we can generate the same compassion for those we consider in a negative way, such as your father.
Afterall everyone - friends enemies and strangers all have the same thing in common. They all just want to be happy. If they are not happy it is because they do not know how to find that happiness. So in the case of your father, I am sure he would be very happy and not cause you grief, if only he could figure out how to get out of the negative mind and delusions his own mind is creating for himself. So realizing he is suffering, we can have compassion for him and send him compassion and loving kindness and mentally send him desire for him to be free from this suffering.
And from our sides we can realize that we can choose not to grasp at the negativity that we perceive as coming from the side of your father for if we look deeply, we realize that the negativity is really not coming from your father. You are really creating your own negative reactions to his actions. if you see his actions as coming from a mind that cannot figure out how to be happy then naturally, you will no longer have a negative mind toward your father, you will develop compassion. The choice of how you react to anyone's actions comes not from their side but from ours. Not from their actions but from our own minds.
I hope that helps. Don't hesitate to ask any further questions.
I pray that you and your father can both find happiness.
Namaste - Laurie
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