Expert: Judy - 11/27/2009

Question
How can I deal with long term recurring anger due to bad memories involving family relationships ?

Answer
Hi, Daniel,

Family relationship is the hardest relationship to have.  Friends and co-workers come and go, but family stay until the end of time in most cases.  Why in the world are we stuck with the family, whether we like it or not?  First, please understand the karmic relationship with the family.  We did not just happen to be born in the family randomly.  Based on our own personalities, traits, our own karma, and the mutual karma, we chose the family to be in.  We chose it because there were familiarities and similarities that we were attracted to those of the family.  You probably cannot thoroughly understand what I am talking about, or none of what I said makes sense to you.  To be able to thoroughly understand what I said in this paragraph would take years of study and realization from life experiences.

Besides, please understand that all sentient beings are selfish (which results in ignorance), or we would not be born.  We usually see how selfish others are, for it is so easy to see things around us.  However, EACH ONE of us is selfish, and the difference is only the various degree of it.  Even in the same family, each member wants to protect him/herself before to do others.  We get angry at some family members, because they seem so selfish, bad mannered, stubborn, or etc… It’s all because we human beings are selfish and ignorant, and we think about ourselves first.  It is just our human nature.  Nothing is wrong with it.  We get angry at others, because we don’t fully understand or admit that we human beings are just basically selfish.  Once we admit and completely understand this human nature, we are unlikely getting angry at others.  We don’t normally get angry at our dogs who grab a chicken wing without asking our permission or sharing it with us, right?  We don’t get angry at them for pushing us down and hurting our legs, right?  Because we normally don’t put dogs as the same level as we human beings, we don’t get angry at these ignorant animals.  However, we human beings are animals too, yet with higher intelligence, complex reasoning capacity, and potential to be buddhas.  Thus, we cannot stand or be at ease with others who do, say, or act something we don’t like.   What do we do?  We get angry at them.

The best thing to do is to study ourselves first.  We think we understand ourselves, but we really don’t.  What we understand about ourselves is very minimum, about external things, such as what we like to eat and play, or what kind of music we like.  We don’t really understand ourselves deep down inside enough.  If we did, we would be able to forgive others easily.  Because we know that ourselves are not perfect and we have pitfalls, we are unlikely accuse others for doing things which directly or indirectly harms us.  Once we understand ourselves fully, we understand others too.  We are no different from others.  We have nice part but also not-so-nice part.  So do others.  Once we know ourselves better, we would not hold hostility or anger towards others.  When we are able to forgive ourselves, we are able to forgive others too.
The lord Buddha said “to know yourself,” if you want a peaceful world.   That’s what it means.

Hope it helps.