Expert: Laurie McLauglin - 11/7/2009

Question
Hello I'm hoping you can help me fit 2 pieces together.  I understand the idea of serving others & being selfless, however what I find is that I end up being used or in a way neglecting myself & my needs. If you don't have a self centre of looking after 'me, mine' then people can treat you however they like & you won't complain. You use your your energy looking after others & no one is looking after you. Where is the balance, where do you draw the line? I find it hard to determine where to stop and look after myself.  Can you help clarify these two? thank you

Answer
Hello Karen

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Thank you for letting me answer your question.

You are not alone in your apprehension that when you try to serve others and be selfless, you are compromising your own happiness. I too had that worry when I first got into Buddhism.

I found, from my side, that there were two things in Buddhism that helped stop me from feeling like I was being used.

The first one is by seriously applying the benefits of my meditation practice. From my side, when I earnestly practice meditation, I can learn to recognize thoughts as they arise. I can determine if the thought is positive, negative or neutral. In doing so, I can realize when a thought such as feeling uncomfortable about giving my time or money to someone. By being able to recognize my thoughts, I can decide whether or not to do a specific thing.  If a thought arises that by doing something, I feel uncomfortable, I can now honor that thought and not do the thing that makes me feel uncomfortable.

The second thing that helps me is that Buddhism teaches that we do not have to embrace the whole dharma and dogma right up front. Once we start practicing Buddhism, we don't automatically have to become generous or selfless. Why Buddha himself took three great countless aeons to become a Buddha. He was practicing up to the time of his Enlightenment. Most Buddhist teachers will tell you that if something feels uncomfortable or does not make sense in your practice at the moment, then let it go and revisit it later.

Buddha never said you had to be a door mat and let everyone walk all over you.  There is no logic in that. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself.  For example when that thought comes that you feel taken advantage of stop and acknowledge it and then do not do the thing. It is all right to trust your instincts - From my side, trusting your instincts of what is right for you and what is not is the practice of wisdom.

I have found that as I study Buddhism, the more I study and practice, the wiser I become (thought I still have a few eaons left myself before I become enlightened, no doubt).  And ultimately it is wisdom  - your own wisdom that you will develop through your practice that will tell you when to do something that is selfless and when it is better not to do something.  Afterall, you cannot, as you know, help others, if you are too tired for example.

That is why they call Buddhism a practice.  We work every day to balance the practice of wisdom with the practice of compassion. Eventually, practicing compassion will become second nature and our wisdom will be developed enough to support it.  But until that time, don't do anything that feels uncomfortable.

Eventually, then when you have gotten to the place where your wisdom and compassion support each other then you will see and experience that putting others needs first really does work and you will find that the world takes care of you because you are taking care of it. But this comes slowly, slowly.

I hope this helps.

Don't hesitate to ask any further questions and I hope you find happiness in your practice -

Namaste - Laurie