Expert: Laurie McLauglin - 2/16/2009

Question
As an ENFP type who struggles to say no and seems to wear a large badge saying 'here to help'! How is it possible to practice loving kindness and mindful behaviour without becoming a doormat? Thankyou.

Answer
Hello, Emmanuel . Thank you so much for letting me answer your question.  I really like your question because it is the same thing I wondered before getting into Buddhism.

Everyone dharma practitioner who would answer this question would give you a different answer.  And probably all of them would be right.  There are many ways to answer this question.  I can only respond based on my understanding and my karma.  I hope that it helps you.  If not, please keep asking other dharma teachers until you find the answer that resonates with you.

Without knowing it, instinctively, perhaps you answered your own question within your question.  From my side, there are two ways to practice loving kindness without being a doormat.

One was is through mindfulness.  The other is practicing loving kindness for ones self as well as others.

In order to have loving kindness for others, one must first have it for ones self. Otherwise, how can you give it to someone else? From my side, I have developed and am continuing to develop loving kindness for myself (and others) through practicing meditation in order to get in touch with my true feelings and understand them as they truly exist now.  The more meditation I do, the more familiar I am with my emotional states as they arise, so that I can create an attitude within myself of loving kindness and to know how to deal with any emotion once it arises.

That is where the mindfulness part comes in.  You say you do not want to be a doormat but yet want to practice loving kindness.  From my side, it appears that you are worried about becoming a doormat.  That is understandable in how most of us live our lives.  However, what is worry?  From my side, it is a fear that something might happen in the future.

Again, from my side, when one meditates and learns to be mindful, one lets things that happen in the past and ideas about what might happen in the future fall away.  For the most part, these thoughts are unnecessary to how we live our lives.  All we have is this present moment. By practicing breathing meditation where one concentrates solely on ones breath and allows that concentration to ground them into the present moment, one realizes that the only thing we can control is how we live the present moment. So worry or fear of something that might happen is useless.

But, you might say, that does not stop you from becoming a doormat.  From my side, I was afraid of being a doormat because I was not good with creating boundaries for myself. I was afraid I would get into a situation where I would feel obligated to help people when I did not want to. I used to let my emotions about what might be toss me around emotionally and I was always so off guard emotionally in my current life that I was not able to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for my own actions: That is until I truly started practicing mindfulness.

I learned (and am still learning) mindfulness by practicing meditation and really being able to see a thought form in my mind and then be able to logically and calmly decide whether I wanted to think that thought or embark on that action before I did it.  It was a weird feeling at first, but after much practice, I was able to take a thought before it manifested into an action and calmly and logically decide whether it was beneficial for me to do that action or not.  So, if someone wanted me to do something for them, instead of feeling like a victim and giving into my fear and going unconsciously into a victim mode, and doing what they wanted out of guilt or some other emotion over which I seemed to have no control, I was able to stop; mindfully acknowledge my thoughts and rationally choose which one would be the most beneficial for me to do at that moment.

Slowly, I began to realize that I had my life back.  I could make my own decisions.  I was in control; not my crazy monkey mind of whirling thoughts; not my overactive zoo full of emotions – but me: Rational, logical, compassionate me. The me that was beginning to recognize the beginnings of my own Buddha Nature.

And it came from diligently practicing breathing meditation to recognize thoughts as they arose, grounding myself in the present and  also working very hard on my mindfulness, being compassionate with myself and practicing loving kindness for myself and then towards others.

As I said at the beginning ,this is the way it worked for me. So, I can tell you in certainty that one can practice loving kindness and not be a doormat, my explanation of how to do it may not resonate with you, so I encourage you to keep asking this question to other teachers and till you find an answer that works for you.

In the mean time, I wish you the best success at this.  Don’t hesitate to ask any other questions if you wish. And don’t give up on the dharma.

Namaste - Laurie