Expert: Joe McSorley - 2/25/2009

Question
I see a counselor once a wk. This wk I told him how I was feeling detached and how this is how I operate all the time and have for a very long time. He thought it was great and a gift that many people strive for. I said it feels like I'm cold and unfeeling. I have had people comment on my detachment negatively for many yrs now, there for I too only seeing it as a negative trait. How can this be a good thing when others see me as cold? How can I make them understand that I like being this way and it does not make me unfeeling but quite the opposite?

Answer
Dear April,
 I am a little confused by your question because I see some contradiction in it.  You say,” I said it feels like I'm cold and unfeeling” in the beginning of your question but at the end you say, “How can I make them understand that I like being this way and it does not make me unfeeling but quite the opposite”.  So you say you feel like you are cold and unfeeling and yet you say it makes you quite the opposite which would be warm and feeling.  Perhaps you are not quite sure how you feel or perhaps you vacillate between those feelings.  I don’t know but I think it is something you might investigate.
 I don’t know how you are defining detachment and this is very important.  If it is accurate that your counselor thinks this is a good thing I would get a new counselor.  The idea of detachment in the East or in Buddhism is not at all the same thing as detachment in the West.  Being detached or alienated from others and nature is precisely human’s problem according to Eastern thought.  Though ‘detachment’ is taught in the East it is a detachment from human desires and the human perspective; it is not detachment from emotions and the natural bonds of human interaction.  By desires I mean by wants that are created in our minds, “…if only had this I would be happy”, etc, I do not mean detachment from the natural flow of emotions.  By the natural flow of emotions I mean that it is natural to laugh at a joke or cry at a funeral, this is normal human reaction.  What we do as humans is become attached to the idea of being happy and we pursue this goal without knowing what it means to be happy.  We become attached to what our idea of happiness is.  In Eastern thought it is the goal to overcome this egotistical desire to see what is real without our limited human perspective.  Our minds create an idea of what is real but it is not real, it is just a projection of our desires.   When this is removed we then act freely and appropriately in the moment and can love freely without our personal self imposed restrictions.  This is not an end of compassion but the beginning of true compassion and love.
 There is a famous Zen story about a monk who comes to live on this woman’s property in a shack.  Every day the woman’s daughter, who is quite beautiful, brings the monk some food.  The mother, who is a good Zen woman, tells her daughter one day, “when you give the monk his food throw yourself on him”.   That day the daughter takes the food to the monk and returns and the mother asks, “Did you through yourself on him” and the daughter replies,”yes”.  The mother asks, “What did he do” and the daughter replies, “he pushed me away and said,’ cold like stone, dry like wood’.  With that the mother goes to the shack and throws the monk out.  Why did she do this?  The monk was practicing detachment but the mother knew this is a completely wrong understanding of Zen and expelled him as a charlatan.  Why wouldn’t he want to be with this woman?  To say he had no emotions about it is unnatural.  Should he have no joy in eating good food or enjoying a beautiful day?  He is removed from the world and not one with the world.  To detach from one’s particular view of the world allows you to see a universal view and thus connects you intimately to everything.  
   To walk around cold and detached is not to be alive and vital.  The purpose of awakening is not to be removed from the universe but to be aware of the universe as yourself.  If you are feeling removed from the universe this is not a good thing.  It is natural for creatures to be connected to each other in nature. It is natural for a mother to care for and be attached to her children and siblings to be connected to one another.  We often become detached as a way of self-protection from being hurt.  Many people who are sensitive become tired of the pain and disappointment that inevitably comes with interaction so they withdraw and become detached to protect themselves.  I do not know what you are going through or why you developed this way, only you can answer that.
    We, as humans, adapt to many conditions that we think are normal and accept them as fine and we say we are happy with them.  People that are cynical and miserable will say they enjoy being this way while some who are overly dependant will say so too.  We all find a comfort level in our state of consciousness and like to remain there in that zone.  It is the devil we know so we accept it.  You might be fine feeling the way you do but it might be that you are disconnected in an unhealthy way and that is not good.  If you were happy with being detached I don’t know why you would be seeing a counselor.  I did talk to a psychologist I know about your email and they also thought it very problematic with your counselor’s comment about it. Again, I don’t think a counselor who advocates detachment as a goal in life understands the Eastern concept of it and I would be reticent to return to them.  
  I don’t know if this helps you but I hope so.  Please feel free to write back and talk about it more.
         Joe