Expert: Joe McSorley - 3/21/2009

Question
Hello,

I once lived with a roommate who was verbally abusive to me. Every day she would scream at me and say nasty horrible things to me and would enjoy that I was upset.

I believe she was jealous of my beauty and intelligence.

I had another roommate, who would laugh when the above would go one.

They were really cruel and horrible to me. They have caused me a lot of mental anguish and pain and trauma after the vicious screaming attacks at me.

these women were a lot younger than me, 22-25 years old, and I was 30 when this happened. so they were immature.

I had a lot of class, sophistication, manners, and elegance that they didnt, and they tried whatever they could to knock me down.

The day I moved out, they both looked at me and said "Ana, you're the best"

Will they ever regret their actions?

Answer
Dear Ana,
 There is no way of knowing if they will ever regret their actions.  You would hope that they would mature enough and become reflective enough to look back and see the harm they caused but many people never develop in this way.  The question is, why do you need this?  You have carried this for a long time and it has become your burden, not theirs.  It seems you are attached to their opinion of you or that you seek some kind of justice in a world where there is little justice.  I understand the pain that their behavior caused you and the scars that remain. If an idiot calls a sage an idiot does it really matter?  The only power they have is the power you give them. It’s more what it means to you than what it does to them. If everyday you walked past a yard and a dog viciously barked at you, you would become startled, scared and annoyed.  Each time you passed you would feel this way but you would not reflect upon it years later and wonder about whether or not that dog got his comeuppance, you’d let it go.  If those roommates were as superficial and vapid as you suggest then you should regard them as yapping dogs and you just happen to be the person walking by at that time. Due to their inadequacies and life experience this is how they treated you. They handed you an anchor and now you carry it but you don’t need to. They were bound by their own ignorance and viewpoint and may be forever.   I know humans personalize their ‘barking’ by insults but they are no more conscious of the psychological wounds they inflict then the dog is.  Sometimes when they feel the pain of the wound themselves they reflect back and empathize with those whom they’ve inflicted their insults on and regret it and sometimes not.  More importantly your life is your own and you need to be happy with yourself and you need not anchor yourself down with their cruelty.  They create their own prisons by their view of the world and the world can see them for whom they are and you for whom you are. Who would you rather be, you or them?
   Please try to forget their insults and live your life now.  Drop the anchor.  The barking dogs are in your past and no longer on your corner.
   I hope this has helped you.  Take care,
         Joe
P.S. – Mark Twain once said that the difference between a dog and a human is that if you take a dog in and care and feed for it, it will never bite you.  The human?