Expert: Justin Choo - 5/18/2009

Question
My only child 19 yr old daughter committed suicide 4 yrs ago.Since then I have been searching for answers.Was I a bad mother? Yes there will be conflict or clash of wills in our daily life.But for her to take this action maybe to teach me a lesson is I know impulsive of teenage angst.In my heart I know what may have botherd her but why did she have to do this horrendous act.I am a very practical person and thought she was like me.I feel I have failed her all her life and my husband.I have intense remorse and regret now about not having conducted my life differently.
Now I want peace in my mind.I have to live another 20-30years.I cannot torment myself that long.Please advice me
as to how to come to terms with what has happened and live with this tragedy and be able to live with myself in peace.It is not easy to just erase your child from your mind and get on with it however practical one maybe.

Answer
Dear Kala,

My heart grieves with you.  Perhaps by sharing my story with you may soothe your sorrow a little bit.

I have two adopted children of different race.  The eldest daughter is now 27 and the younger son is 23.  My eldest daughter is a very difficult person who breaks every rule in the book of good conduct, plus those not listed there.  She had left home countless times and returned when needed help.  Each time we did not disappoint her.  But after awhile the vicious cycle started all over again.  

Our characters are very strongly ingrained in us until we die with very little chance of a complete changeover.  Much of our idiosyncrasies are brought from our past lives.  Our characteristics are etched on rocks.  It will take many life time to alter them.  Given this understanding, let us now look at ourselves.  Since we all have different traits and peculiarities, it is almost impossible to live in harmony all the time.  The binding forces of a harmonious relationship is that of patience and tolerance with a dash of love and understanding.  As parents we have done our best to the best of our abilities, which at times are not good enough especially in the eyes of our children.  Apart from the apparent situation we are facing, as Buddhists we are very well aware of the workings of Kamma.  A major portion of our life's experience has a lot to do with our past kamma which we have no control; our past kamma or volitional actions during our previous lives have effects on our present lives in the form of vipakha (results) or retributions.  Who knows what we are going through now are the results/retributions of something bad that we had done in our past lives?  It may not be so; but who knows?

Taking life as a package of good and bad, we have to live through with understanding and wisdom, and the resilient to ride the tides of ups and downs.  What had happened CANNOT be undone.  So it is wise that we learn how to let go of the past, and live for today.  As conscious humans with conscience, we will never be able to "forget" our terrible encounters in life.  

My daughter has left her daughter under our care.  She is now 4 years old.  My wife and I have been taking care of her since birth.  Our daughter still drops in to see her daughter as and when she feels like it.  What can we do?  Each day when I bathe our grand daughter my heart aches.  I have shed more tears for my daughter than for myself. Let this be life's lesson to show and teach us the sorrow of existence.  In the meantime let's get on with our lives.  When thoughts of sorrow come, just note and reflect; then let go, and get on with our lives, living for today, living one day at a time.  

I hope you have peace in your heart by trying out what I have been doing with my life.  I don't promise "happiness"; for one is mad if one can still be happy with tragic events happening to one's life!!  I still can have peace in my heart although I grieve everyday.  Accept that which had passed, and those which we cannot and have no power to change.  When we can accept life's sorrow in this way, at least our heart can be at peace; and we can live in equanimity.  When we are at peace with ourselves, our minds are "calm and compose", our physically well-being can also function properly and we can live a healthy life.

Do not analyse any further what had happened.  Do not blame yourself or anyone.  It's passed; nothing can be undone.  Live for today.

Please take care of yourself.

Please come back if you wish to communicate further.

Justin Choo.

[I like to invite you to visit my blog:]
http://lifeislikethat999.blogspot.com/

[And these sites by Rev. Dhammika:]
http://sdhammika.blogspot.com/
http://www.buddhismatoz.com/