AboutJoe McSorley Expertise I can answer questions dealing with Taoist philosophy and Zen and not the historicity and religion of Buddhism and its different schools. I studied under Dr. Richard DeMartino and Masao Abe of the Kyoto School of Zen.
Question I am fairly new to Buddhism in terms of practice and I have been running into some trouble in certain areas, in particular with people that I am close to.
I have a girlfriend of three years or so who I have always connected with on the level of our suffering. I think that a lot of people do this when searching for romantic love and it seems to lead to disorder and chaos in the relationship. The trouble I have run into is that when I am with her she seems to bring me out of mindfulness which creates further frustration. Also, she seems to want to remain in her state of suffering and does not choose to join me although the positive effects are very plain.
I remember the Buddha speaking of choosing to be alone even when it is painful and to only have companions who will assist us in our spiritual growth. The problem with this is that I love her which complicates everything.
What do you think I should do? If I stay in the relationship is there anyway of helping her or showing her that I love her and want her to be better?
Answer Dear Thomas,
As you cannot nourish another by your own eating and drinking you cannot spiritually nourish them either. Only they can nourish themselves and only they can find their path. It’s not unlike an Evangelical coming to you and wanting to save you from your suffering with their brand of religion. I doubt you would accept it. The only thing you can do is to deepen your own practice and if that has a positive effect on other people it will happen on its own.
You might what to really investigate what love is and what it means to say you love someone. When we want someone to change we often want it for our own selfish reasons, for what we think fulfills ourselves rather than what is good for the other. We really can’t make outside judgments about other people’s suffering. I have found that most people marry a person for whom they want them to be or for whom they believe them to be rather than seeing what they are. When you say you love her, who is it that you love? If what she is means she is content with her suffering do you still love her? Do you love her for what you want her to be? Most people are drawn to what they call love as an escape from their suffering and not a commiseration of suffering. Initially we lose ourselves and feel good about everything and when that fades we blame the other for our loss. The initial loss of our own self into love is a form of ecstasy, like when we lose ourselves to art or sport, but we always regain our sense of self. It is very difficult to be with someone else in the long term because they make us sel- aware at all times. This is why the escape into a monastery is supposed to lead to greater practice because we don’t have the responsibility of living with a so-called ‘loved one’. However there are plenty of distractions and personal politics in monasteries too so don’t think that that is an ideal state either. Mindfulness isn’t only practiced under pleasant conditions, you can be very mindful under stressful conditions. This is why people mountain climb.
You show your love for someone by loving them as they are, by caring and nurturing them and being aware of whom they are. Love without expectation. Love with expectation is self -centered.
I cannot tell you what to do, you have to decide yourself what is best. Do what you do with compassion in mind.
I hope this helps you, take care,
Joe
