Expert: Joe McSorley - 6/25/2009

Question
Sir : After my divorce around 6 years back, I was in deep depression and terrible stress. Due to loneliness I turned gay for  3 years. After this guilt feeling started troubling me and I cannot concentrate on my work. I have had severe mental and physical abuse from my family members in the past. I have suffered mental and physical stress and am at present still suffering from it. Nowadays I have started reading on net some things about Buddhism and Tao philosophy. I want to know what is the right route to follow Dharma. I want to change my pattern of thinking. How can I do it. Is there any online support available. How do I adpot Dharma and live a pious life. Kindly help.

Answer
Dear Rahul,
    You have a Western concept of dharma and this is very understandable.  Dharma may mean truth or righteous way but it does not mean a particular truth or way.  There isn’t a set of rules you follow and that’s dharma, rather it is a realization of the ‘way things really are in nature’ and living in harmony with them.  So from this standpoint it’s not a matter of following some cosmic law but seeing yourself for whom you really are.  Right now your self-identification is with the person Rahul and his history.  You do not see yourself for whom you really are but you see yourself as how you have been conditioned by the world.  As a result you carry a self-image ridden with guilt and shame when your true self is absolutely untouched and unhurt.
   To call a flower ugly does nothing to the flower’s beauty but when done to a human we carry insults with us, we live that insult and hold on to it.  When we carry these self images they are clearly seen by other people.  We need to free ourselves from these images, from the karma of our conditioning, and be free in the world.  Imagine that you meet a beautiful woman and you think of how she must realize her beauty and how it must be a positive thing in her life.  But suppose you get to know her and her entire life she had been abused, insulted and denigrated, she would then carry this as a ‘truth’ about herself and it would effect her being.  Her experience in life was that she is ugly and unacceptable.  While you would see one thing, she, herself would be experiencing something very different.  Because you have been abused you carry this self-image that is both negative and limiting.   Following a dharma or set of beliefs will no free you from this, only letting go of your self-identity will.  As hard as it is to do, live as though you have not experienced these things, be in the moment and live your life now.  You live like a slave that has been freed still walking around thinking you are a slave.  Try to change your environment to one that is supportive and positive.
  If your nature is that you are gay then that is fine.  Be with those that support you and avoid those that hurt you.  My guess is that you are burdened by the wishes of those around you but you do not live your own life.  You need to find out whom you are and live that fully.
If you are trying to suppress being gay than that will cause many problems too so don’t stop your nature.  Perhaps you are bi-sexual, I don’t know, but there is not a universal right and wrong here.  Don’t judge yourself like others have judged you.  Learn to love who you are and be who you are.  Don’t worry about conforming to the rest of the world.
   You have to learn to discard all those trappings of the past and accept who you are.  I would also try some counseling  to help with the scars of psychological issues.  Life is suffering but you can free yourself from the suffering.
  I hope this has helped you.  Please take care,
           Joe