Expert: Judy - 8/10/2009

Question
I have a question about the 5 precepts. Could you define sexual misconduct? and also if in any day I fail to follow these precepts what should I do? Can i ask for forgiveness?

Answer
Hi, Tyler,

Thank you for your question.   It is indeed a important and interesting question that a lot of people have.

I am not sure how much or how long you have learned about Buddhist teaching.  Please bear with me, if you knew what I would tell you.  

1.. Buddhism is unlike most other religions with dogma or specific rules to be followed in order to please the higher power or deities.  If a believer in these religions sins or does something wrong, he/she could be either punished or forgiven.  Since his/her life is determined by the higher power, the higher power is the authority.  Fear is therefore born.  A believer asks for forgiveness, for he/she feels guilty or a sense of responsibility to the higher power.  On the other hand, in Buddhism, each person is responsible only for his/her own conduct, thought, and speech.  Nobody owns anybody; nobody owes anybody.  Nobody needs anyone else’s forgiveness.  The Buddha or Buddhas are not anyone’s saviors or judges, but only “life teachers.”

2.. The 5 precepts in Buddhism act as a guide line for one to follow.  They are NOT the rules for a Buddhist.  In Buddhist teaching, it just tells you that if you follow these 5 precepts, you life is on the right track.  

3.. Other religious teachings set rules of Dos and Don’ts.  It’s all about EITHER OR.  If you do this, you will get that.  It’s pretty much like mathematics or disciplining a child.  If you brush your teeth tonight, then I will give you a piece of candy tomorrow.  Bible says that divorce is wrong, so I don’t get divorce, despite the fact that I am not happy.  On the other hand, Buddhist teaching has always to be in CONTEXT, including the 5 precepts.  There is always the MID WAY.  It’s never either or.  Things can never be explained by duality.  We have the concept of duality, because we thought that it makes our life easier to figure things out.  However, duality is not the truth.  If a Buddhist breaks one of the precepts, let’s say, sexual misconduct, he/she is not going to go to hell straight just due to “sum up” fact.  How, what, and who are involved, and the definition of sexual misconduct all come into play.  That’s what your question is.

4.. No definition of anything in this world is definite.  One definition of the same thing in one culture is different from that in another culture.  The same thing with two different contexts or conditions is different.  That’s why the Lord Buddha never tells us to DO or NOT to DO things.  You can never use one rule to interpret everything.  Polygamy is wrong in the US, yet it is never wrong in some countries or religions.  Thus, you cannot really define sexual misconduct (I will explain more on this later).

5..  Understanding the cause/consequence would help you on this question.  I can write a book just on cause/consequence alone.  I will just briefly and simply explain these two conditions to you here.  Everything happens is not because it just happens.  Cause and consequence is interchangeable and circulate each other.  It is like the analogy of chicken or egg existing first.  For example, a married man just met a lady at work (why not meeting other lady?  Meeting this lady is part of his consequence that he had caused before.  This lady has had the same mutual karma with this man).  They were paired to work together day and night (pairing is not just happening, but there is a cause for it).  They started having affection for each other (human emotion is not programmable or easily controllable.  The lord Buddha has never said that it is wrong to have affection for someone or outside marriage.  However, he did mention that emotions cause suffering).  They could not control their biological needs, so they slept together once.  Do we judge them now at this point?  Do we call it sexual misconduct at this point?  The matter is not about if we call it sexual misconduct or not.  It matters how this man handles the condition.  Each step of these things happened to him meant to happen (caused by some conditions in the past, which had not been resolved.  It all came right at him to either for him to LEARN to take care of it or CAUSE more karmic disaster for later).  He had so many options for himself:  

a.  call it quit, concentrate on his job, and hold the emotions back
b.  tell his boss to switch to other co-worker
c.  continue with the love affair with this female co-worker without telling his wife
d.  give his wife an apology, and ask if it’s ok to have a mistress (highly unlikely in this society though)
e.  give his wife an apology, and be cautious about his emotion from now on
f.  whatever the options you can imagine

We cannot really define what sexual misconduct is, yet we can pretty much pick one out of the above options and predict the future or the consequence of it easily.  Option c would make this man lives with lies, which would cause disasters in his family, which might further cause other disaster on his job and etc.

Life is all about choice.  Each one of us can turn one condition into so many different directions.  Whatever we choose become the cause of something else.  Except option c, all other options are the turning point to redirect this man’s karma.  Thus, a term or definition of a fact does not do you anything, but HOW YOU HANDLE A CONDITION AND TURN IT INTO THE DIRECTION matters.

6..  Any mistakes made can be a lesson.  Whatever the situation you handle has to do with your CONSCIOUSNESS, AWARENESS, and INTENTION.  If meeting the lady, working alone with her day and night, and having sex with her was intentional, it is then certainly sexual misconduct.  Even if he did not actually do but only contemplate it, it is considered sexual misconduct.   Now, you see what I am trying to explain your question to you.  Things are different within different context.  Our intention is essential.  It does not matter how things happen, it is ok.  When you are aware of the choices and options you have in life, you make a better choice for yourself.
Just please remember that learning Buddhist teaching is not to learn what is right or what is wrong, but to learn to choose better for yourself while not harming others.  Don’t panic or worry about whatever happens.  There is always a good lesson to learn.   It’s never the end of the world.  Nobody would judge you, but only your consciousness.