Expert: Stuart Resnick - 8/24/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello, I just have a question about my meditation practice. You see, I have been meditating for about 8 months. Last week, however, complications did not allow me to meditate for quite a while - almost a week, about six days. I really felt the difference (I was actually quite shocked by how fuzzy my mind felt. I woke up in the morning and I actually could not stop thinking. I tried but I could not control my thoughts. I also experienced low moods, and I was angry for quite a bit, which is unusual as I rarely am angered by anything), but the problem is that, now that I have begun to meditate once more, I feel like I have started all over again. Does this mean that I am back at square one? I ask both for advice - will I get back 'up to speed' relatively easily, and also for future reference (ie, should I make sure not to let these long gaps of meditation-less time come up).

Thank you for your time,

Nicolaas

ANSWER: You're ALWAYS at square one. Whether you've been practicing meditation for decades or just began today, it doesn't make any difference in the practice. The practice is to awake to this very moment. Whatever you did or didn't do in the past... put it all down, and return to this moment. Just now, what do you see, what do you hear, what are you doing? That's all.

During your meditation, all sorts of thoughts will appear and disappear. Quite likely, one of these thoughts will be, "I want to get something!" Don't hold or cultivate any of these thoughts, let them appear and disappear like clouds in the sky. If you want something, you have a problem.

Also, don't confuse "meditation" with a particular posture, like sitting with eyes closed. At any moment, any situation, whatever you're doing, just do it. Truth is always present, right in front of you, in whatever you perceive and whatever you do. If you have time to do formal sitting meditation, that's wonderful, but if not, just do action meditation, keeping a clear mind in the midst of any activity.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you! I suppose that, whether or not I am doing good or not right now, I should still just keep going regardless and not be attached to results.

I just have another question, more of a curiosity - have you ever experienced satori? If so, what was it like?

Answer
At my first Zen retreat, I had a big special experience, which I've written about here:

http://stuart-randomthoughts.blogspot.com/2007/10/different-styles-of-practice-p

As you say, such stories are interesting as curiosities. For me, it was also useful as encouragement to continue practicing in the 2+ decades since.

However, as you understand, special experiences that come and go may have some importance... but what's MOST important isn't some remembered special experience, but the living situation that's in front of you just now.