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You are here: Experts > Homework Help > Buddhism > Buddhists > letting go of hurt/anger
Buddhists - letting go of hurt/anger
Expert: Judy - 8/24/2009
Question
Very new to this. Have just finished reading Storms can't hurt the sky and am not understanding letting go of hurt/anger. My husband of 15 yrs recently left me (and our children)for another woman he's know for 1 month. He does not want to work on things. I can't stop thinking about him, (him & her, him and how happy he appears, how he could just leave us. Just this endless loop on every station in my head. It leaves me feeling so incredibly sad and down. In meditating on why I would even want someone who would do this to me, it seems that my lack of control in the situation plays a big part in my distress. Not sure how being rejected feels so much different that being the rejector when the end result is the same. Any help you could send my way is greatly appreciated
Answer
Hi, Mary,
Thanks for the question. Our minds are the hardest things to deal with, and it involves a lot to deal with them. It is impossible to cover every aspect in one question & answer. It is equally impossible for you to read my answer and be able to successful overcome your emotions immediately. It will take time for you to practice. However, I will try my best to explain things to you, and hopefully everything makes sense to you, and you get as much benefit as possible from my answer.
Several things came to my mind for answering your question when I read it, “Karma” and “impermanence” being the most prominent. Basically people understand what they are literally, yet they are more than that.
First of all, karma is not just about acting good yielding good result and acting bad yielding bad result. It is definitely not a black and white concept, which however is what most people understand. Nothing in this universe does exist by itself, but all the forces required need to meet at the exact timing with sufficient amount output of each. For example, a fruit seed will never become a fruit, if it is not planted. Once you plant the seed, it needs “proper amount” of water, sunlight, “right nutrients” in the soil. Without any proper or the right amount of water, sun, and nutrients of soil, the seed cannot grow. When it grows to a seedling, it needs pretty moist environment. Then, when it grows to a young plant, it needs a little bit less water. When it starts to flower, you need to feed the plant with proper and balanced nutrients. Then, the plant will bear fruits. If any of these stages is not properly set, there will not be a fruit. Anything can happen during all the stages. Everything could change the way you handle the plant. If everything is successfully grown, you can choose you eat the fruits. Then you need to buy more seeds to plant them the next year. On the other hand, if you choose to let it propagate itself, you may have more fruits next year or may not without buying more seeds. Each year is different, each season is different, each week is different, and each moment is different.
By the same token, human growth is the same way. Not to mention about physical aspect, nobody can survive by him/herself. We are all INTERDEPENDANT on one another, and our lives are guided through who, what, how much, how many, and how long we meet. When you meet someone, it does not just happen to be that way. There is always a reason, specifically karmic. Why you and your husband met but not other guy? It is because in your past lives, you and your husband were somehow related or acquainted, and for some reason your and his karmic relationship was not completed or resolved. Thus, you and your husband had to meet this life time. The things you did for your dates, the feelings you had for each other, and the timing of everything lead you to this marriage. You two could not get married, if there was something not met when you dated.
However, everybody’s life does not stop after marriage. Things are changing, people are changing. Why? Because the people we meet each day, the things we do moment to moment, the decisions we make, and so on are all different. How can things not change? When we learn Buddhist teachings, we need to learn how to work with the situation of our daily life but not to criticize or blame who is wrong. Why, because when required forces come together at the exact timing, things happen. Remember, your life is involved so many people and conditions with all of your karma. So is your husband, for everybody is interdependent. Your husband’s karmic relationships in the past lives might involve more than you or more women which were never completed.
This other woman appeared in your husband’s life at this time. He could choose to walk away from her or get more involved with her. Obviously there are forces that he created in the past lead him to choose to be with her. Now, we are not going against anyone or thinking who is unfaithful, whose fault it is, and what have you, but we are trying to outgrow ourselves and deal with the CURRENT situation by trying to UNDERSTAND what might lie in the past. Don’t assume that all men stay with their wives all their lives are all faithful, naïve, and pure. Some horny men can fantasize a lot, and don’t they wish to have some extra lustful experience. However, there is just neither the right timing nor the sufficient forces for them to meet someone else. I am not trying to portray men as bad guys, but I pointed this out in order to let you see that NOT everything happened as IT IS intrinsically. Seeds exist, yet no forces to make them grow. Don’t assume that it is a bad seed if it does not grow.
Can you blame your husband for whatever the unfinished relationship with other woman/women in his past lives? You cannot, because that’s what he became today. There is a reason why you had to get so far with him but not earlier. Let’s say if you two were happily after, there might be things you would miss or you would never have the chance to LEARN. The hidden issues might prolong and prolong, yet one day they have to burst out. They could get worse, or they could be all right. Who knows! The reason why you have gone so far with him and you have gone through so much pain is because this is the biggest time so far in your life (I assume) that you have to go through to outgrow yourself, to learn how to pass all the superficial outlooks of things and conditions, to learn that we all are interdependent with the options and choices which lead you to the next steps, and there may be more…..
Yes, growth takes pain. Without pain, we are just so indulged in happiness without even considering how to improve our lives or even ourselves. Nevertheless, who says that this is the end of your happy life! You may meet someone in the future who is far best than anyone in the whole world. By the time, you will be even more mature, and you two will be just happy together. Or you may not find anyone else, but you will be successful on something you feel passion about. Etc…etc… Who can say what will happen? Having said that, a bad, sad, angry, and painful experience may not be all negative. Once you turn the negative experience into positive energy, you will find that the sun is always out there, despite the fact that some clouds pass by and block the light.
“Impermanence” is related to karma. Don’t get me wrong; impermanence is not a negative or pessimistic concept. If you see and experience day to day life, everything is ever-changing, not necessarily from a point where something exists and then disappears. I just mean “changing.” The affection between a couple changes, be it more to less, less to more, romantic to brotherly, and etc..
Nothing is in a fixed stage, especially our emotions. The people we meet and the conditions we face each day all change the condition moment to moment. Your husband might “love” you very much, yet he could not resist himself and fell for another woman. We so called “love” between a man and a woman is actually not the right word. Love is a too broad noun, and people misuse it. I would not call “love” for the first sight is love at all. It is sort of impossible. It is not love at all. It is an impulse, and the chemical in our brains telling us that new things and people are good. Yes, there is love, and love is intrinsic and is indeed imbedded within us. Love is like the sun that always exists, with or without the clouds. Romantic love is not LOVE but rather strong affection. Otherwise, how can love change to no-feeling, hatred, dislike, and so forth? Affections are CONDITIONAL and EMOTIONAL. When we have affections for our husbands, we sometimes feel that we love them, while sometimes we feel that they are too much to handle or impossible to live with.
Some people take their oaths very seriously and do not break them at all, even if they have feelings for others. It all depends on what they believe in, what their principles are, what and how they see in reality, and how much they understand themselves. Again, some people have the actions, but some don’t. However, it does not mean that they behave in their minds. I have to say that falling in love with another woman clearly suggests that your husband does not know what reality is. Human minds love new stuff, new love, new possessions, and etc… It’s our minds who love the newbies, but not us as a whole. The responsibilities he might have as a dad and a husband would be gone when he is with this other woman. The strong and passionate feelings he has for this woman now WILL CHANGE too later. He may end up the same if he were to choose to marry this other woman later. He may be happier or more regretful. Anyway, that’s his choice, and it is not your problem. Whatever he chooses to, he has to take the full responsibility for it.
Once you “accept” that so called “love” is conditional and can be impermanent, along with the karmic reasoning, you will realize more and more that holding on to him does not help you but hold you back. Even if he forced himself and decided to stay with you and the children for either a moral issue or his own dignity while having resentment of not happily being with this other woman, his unhappiness or indifferent attitude towards the family would drag the family down. Unless, he is trying to improve himself for the better or seek for spiritual growth, he is not helping you by staying.
Once his mind (I use “mind” instead of heart, for we don’t know where his heart really is now) is out for another woman, there is no return for a happy life between you two together, unless HE HIMSELF can see the reality of it and let go his own issues. You can suffer for not having him back, but his coming back may not get you anywhere. You have choices: let his own karma take him while you move on with all wide open possibilities await you, or drag him back.
Try to practice to observe common things, conditions, and phenomena in your day to day life. Everything has its impermanent quality, especially in nature. Look at your lawn; it looks different each day. Sometimes, it has this brown spot, while the other areas are covered up by new growth. Look at plants and trees; they look so different each day. Some plants die, while others thrive. Some plants make it to the next few years; while some wither at their peak time. You use the same ingredients, yet sometime the cake tastes better than other times. You children may like banana today but not tomorrow… There are 4 seasons; all of them return yet with different variation. Whatever goes comes back in a varied way. Impermanence and karmic (cyclical) phenomena intertwine. Practice on the observation would help you realize whatever the dilemma you encounter. More and more you would automatically let go any attachments, unnecessary burden, or emotions.
You wrote, “it seems that my lack of control in the situation plays a big part in my distress.” The fact is, Mary, that YOU CANNOT possibly control every situation the way you want. Grass keeps growing, even if you don’t want it to. Remember that human beings are INTERDEPENDANT. You are not the only being in this world who has a mind and wishes. THINGS HAPPEN WHEN ALL the FORCES NEEDED MATURE or MEET TOGETHER, plus each individual's mind. Trying to control the situation is asking for disappointment and emotional distress. Asking an alive person not to change is impossible. If others cannot meet our expectations, perhaps it is the time to change our perspectives. All the doors are open for you.
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