Expert: Laurie McLauglin - 9/28/2009

Question
I'm struggling with forgivness and compassion at the moment. My partner cheated on my last year and we consequently split up. I worked hard and meditated lots to overcome the hurt and anger and eventually achieved a state of forgiveness towards my ex. I have been happier since I have reached this state however, it has left me wide open to being hurt again. Before i started practicng Buddhism I would have avoided my ex however, he wanted us to be friends and I wanted to be compassionate so i decided we could. However, since we have been friends he has consistently lied to me and consequently hurt me, again.
I don't want to be discompassionate towards him and tell him to leave me alone but i feel he is taking advantage of me forgiving him and he uses me on a regular basis. Is it poor form for me to ignore him? Being a buddhist sometimes feels like i'm leaving myself open to be abused by people. My ex knows if he tells me that he needs to see me, i will make myself available however, i'm not sure how healthy it is for me to be used in this way. He has lied to be a lot and sometimes i even want to say 'I know that is not the truth' however it seems discompassionate to do this. He will say things like 'you know i love you and want to be with you' and i want to believe him but deep down i know this is not the truth and I'm at a loss as to what to do or say to him. Please advice on the buddhist approach to this kind of situation. Would it be bad of me to ask him to leave me alone? Thank you. Ollie

Answer
Thank you for letting me answer your question.

I rejoice in the fact that you were able to forgive your partner for cheating on you.
However, if you are wide open to being hurt again, that sounds to me like you have expectations and you are grasping at those expectations. A very wise Buddhist teacher said “Abandon all hope for result”. Also you have to ask the question, who is hurting? If you perceive the actions of someone as hurting you, then they will.  If you perceive the actions of someone as unskillful actions made by someone who is following their delusions and would not hurt you or themselves if they could only figure out how not to, then you develop true compassion for the other person and your pain and fear are replaced by patience and compassion.

It’s like that famous Buddhist example.  If someone walks up and smacks you with a stick, who are you going to be mad at?  The person or the stick?  The person wielding the stick, of course. When someone lies, they are being wielded by their delusions.  So, do not be angry at the person – be angry at their delusions – their beliefs that say to them “It’s okey to lie”.
Afterall, no one wants to be unhappy – everyone wants to be happy. No one wants to suffer.  If he is lying to you, he knows he is doing so. He cannot be truly happy about it. But he cannot figure out how not to do it. Life times of delusions are having their way with him, basically.  Until he can have control of his own thoughts and his own actions, he like all of us is prone to do negative things.

I am not saying it is all right to lie. Obviously if your partner is continuing to lie to you, you don’t have to stick around to be harmed by them. You can choose to detach with compassion. You can continue to have compassion for him because he is clearly still under the influence if his delusions and that is why he is lying. But you are not required to be a door mat.

If ignoring him is the only way he will stop harming you then ignoring him is fine. AS LONG AS you do it with compassion. If you secretly think to yourself ‘I will ignore him and I hope that makes him unhappy or I hope he suffers because I am ignoring him’, or some such other thought, then that is not good as you are not only sending him negative thoughts but you are harming yourself by creating negative karma.  In Buddhism ones intentions are about the most important thing there is. All actions are done with some intention – positive, negative or neutral. For Buddhists, the intention behind the action creates as much karma as the action itself.

Again you don’t have to be a door mat.  That is where wisdom comes in. We are supposed to be very compassionate but not if it is going to hurt us.  If you are like me, my trouble with the whole Buddhist compassion, goody-goody trip was that I could not set boundaries. I could not figure out when to stop being compassionate so I let everyone walk on me.

Finally I found out how to solve that.  By meditation. By learning to practice mindfulness. With enough practice in my meditation, I realized that I could live in the moment. I did not have to worry about what might happen in the future.  After enough practice, I could simply look at the moment I was in and decide what course of action was best at that moment.  Was it best to help someone or was it best not to. Sometimes it is best to protect one’s self rather than do something that might end up having long range negative effects.  After all, since I am a Mahayaha Buddhist, I am practicing to help all sentient beings.  I cannot help all sentient beings if I, myself am a basket case.  So I began to work on being mindful. At least that is how it worked for me.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone the truth unless by doing so, you feel it may cause them harm and if your intentions are correct. If you tell them the truth to secretly hurt them – it is wrong. If out of great compassion you tell them the truth in order for them to stop hurting themselves or others, that is true compassion.

If you have a meditation practice, perhaps you might want to do single pointed meditation on developing true compassion or on mindfulness.

Don’t confuse compassion with sympathy. Do not allow your ego to get involved. True compassion harms no one.  That is why it is one of the main traits of a Bodhisattva.
There is nothing wrong with honesty if it is said with compassion and with the proper motivation.

If he says “I love you and want to be with you” and you know he is lying and does not mean it, you may want to cut the connections between the two of you for a while. If he is lying to you, he is creating negative karma. Perhaps in order to keep him from creating more negative karma, the most compassionate thing to do is to not see him.

I would also suggest going to as many classes, reading as many books and meditating as much as possible on ways to let go of your ego so you do not follow it as much. Read and meditate on dependant arising and emptiness. Things do not exist as we think they do.  Things do not have inherent qualities of good or bad. Studying these will help you let go of the suffering you are feeling about this situation.

I hope you found some of this helpful. Do not hesitate to ask any further questions.  I will be happy to try to help further.

I wish you peace - Laurie