Expert: Joe McSorley - 1/20/2010

Question
Hello, I was just wondering - do you have any tips on how not to get attached to progress while meditating? This seems to be a recurring problem with me - I keep going in circles, being satisfied with my progress on meditation, then not, then I am not attached to it, then I do care, etc, but there doesn't seem to be any definite course. It feels like I keep going three steps forward and then three steps back ^_^

Just in general - what do you recommend for this? Getting caught up in not getting caught up in things seems to be something which can happen very easily. It gets to the point where I get worried about worrying, and whenever I feel nervous the emotion somewhat snowballs because I don't want to be nervous.

What happens is that I just feel somewhat 'unfocused' and even confused on the whole path in general. What am I actually trying to accomplish here? Should I do this, or that...? Should I try to do anything? I just can't seem to focus clearly, meditating or not. The whole situation somewhat deteriorates... then I manage to calm down, and I am not conerned once more - but then the whole process begins again after a week or even just a few days.

At any rate, thank you for your time,

Nicolaas

Answer
Hello Nicholaas,
  We get attached to the process because we think there is something to gain to our self.  The self cannot be added to or subtracted from in reality but that which we think to be our self has this illusion.  So, as a result, we look for a change and we want progress or accolades.  In life it’s awards, financial success, sex, power or money.  In karate schools it’s belts.  In Zendos it’s the direct transmission or bowl and robes and in sports it’s trophies.  The fact of the matter is no matter how much of this stuff we think we gain, we still have gained nothing.  We are still ourselves, alienated and suffering.  This is why the rich and famous are not freed from human suffering because riches doesn’t do it.  In meditation there is the thought that you, Nicholaas, are going to gain something or change.  Well, you might get some insight and some relief but it will be transitory and will leave you.  You have to realize that you, yourself, are the problem.  Until you see this you will seek progress or change, it’s natural so don’t sweat it.  One day you will realize that you who seeks is creating the problem then you won’t look for progress for you will know that progress is from your ego’s view and not from the awakened self.
    As you already know fretting about it causes more fretting about it and thus a vicious cycle.  You can either come to the place where you realize nothing you do or do not do, will not do it, traditionally called the great doubt, or you will just internalize the path and be unaware of it.  In this state it is still happening behind it all but you are no longer conscious of it. Getting back to the sports analogies; there are those who seek trophies and those who seek excellence.  Excellence might bring trophies but trophies will not bring excellence.  You can develop your skill at sport or music to a point where everyone else revels at how good you are but if you are not happy with it, so what?  People who are really consumed by their art and the pursuit of excellence are not doing it for awards but for fulfillment.  They are almost never happy with their performance, no matter how good, and know what they lack.  There is a constant state of frustration. Even when they achieve something great they can’t reproduce it and become frustrated again.  It is the same for your quest; even if you achieve it’s not good enough, you will discard it and move on.  When awakening does happen you will not anticipate it in any fashion and can’t, so stop trying.  Just keep on practicing and don’t limit yourself to a secluded meditation.  Work on the problem of who it is that wants fulfillment at all times.   Who progresses? Who seeks this?  Who is frustrated?  Eventually the process will fall deeply silent, you can’t force it.
   Stop torturing yourself with progress or lack of progress, forget both of them and be freed of the idea.  Hone your awareness here and now and pay no attention to past or future.  There is no place for doubt in the present.
  I hope this helps you.  Take care,
            Joe