Expert: Anandapanyo Bhikkhu - 1/8/2010

Question
We have 4 adult children, 3 of which exhibit abusive behavior  towards us when we have contact with them.At this point we are both exhausted and confused, so we just limit contact with them, as conversations with them have been pointless. Is this the best response? We love them no less.

Answer
Dear Mary,

Thank you for the opportunity to answer your question.

I would like to express my sympathy for you situation.

To answer your question directly and simply:

No, it is not the best response. However, it is a good one for now.

Here is the reason:

You and your spouse have certain mannerisms that stimulate the fight in your children. Your children have certain triggers that respond to these mannerisms.

Your mannerisms come from certain perceptions, beliefs, ideals and customs you are used to.
Their mannerisms come from certain perceptions, beliefs, ideals and customs they are used to.

Unfortunately, we cannot hope to change their perceptions, beliefs, ideals, and customs. It has been tried by many many people in the history of mankind. No one has ever succeeded in controlling another.

However, we can hope to change our perceptions, beliefs, ideals and customs.

For example, there is a saying, "It takes two hands to clap." In this case, you are the right hand, and they are the left hand. As long as you stick you hand in the air, there is the opportunity for clapping to occur. No matter if we initiate it or are just the recipient, we are part of the situation. However, if we were to put our hands in our pockets, no matter how hard the other hand tries, there can be no clapping. (just slapping and pounding - but no clapping)


I can offer two types of solutions for you.
1) a preventing future harm solution and
2)a fixing the heart of the problem solution.

Let me explain each one:

1) In limiting contact with them, this is a "preventing future harm solution". Unfortunately, this is only a band-aid fix. As long as we don't look at it, we forget it is there. This seems like the best response and solution for many problems, the sad this is, it doesn't solve the problem. You and your spouse will know that issues still exist. Your children will know that issues still exist. The only thing this will do, is stop adding fuel to the fire.

So, if things are getting bad, with no end in sight, I would agree that this is an acceptable TEMPORARY response. Imagine this, you are washing dishes for 2 hours straight. Your hands have begun to prune and get very irritated. Now, should you continue to wash the rest of the dishes (at least 2 hours worth)? You know that if you continue to wash the dishes, your hands could get easily injured. So, the best solution is to temporary stop washing. Have the dishes disappeared? Has the counter cleaned itself? No. However, this is the best solution TEMPORARILY for your situation. After some time, your hands will get back to normal and you can go back to washing again. However, in the end, your hands will definitely prune up again.

So, as long as you still act the same, and hold the same beliefs, I would recommend staying away from each other - if you know that meeting will lead to fighting.

2) In order to fix the heart of the problem, we must investigate ourselves. We will use each example of a fight as our evidence. Ask yourself these questions:

Before the abuse happened, what did I say? What did I do?
Why did I do those things? Have they led to problems before?
Every time we have problems, what is the common action? the common words? the common speech? the common place? the common surroundings?

If you can answer these questions, you will start to find the true cause of these problems.

Allow me to give you an example of someone else who had a similar problem:

In this situation, a woman married a man she loved very much. However, she felt he always spoke too harshly with her. As in, he would use extremely harsh curse words with her. When she presented us with this situation, we asked her the same questions I am asking you. She said:

Well, one time, he was watching TV, and asked me for a cup of coffee. I said, "Isn't it too late for coffee? Would you rather have tea?" Then he said, "F--- you you stud@#$@#$!$!$!@....."

Another situation, they were driving and they were lost. When he asked her, "Do we have a map in the car?" she responded, "Wouldn't it be better if next time we use google maps before we leave the house?" He responded, "@$!#$@#@%#$@!$!$"

Then she said, "See? He is always abusing me with his words? It is so unfair, I need a divorce!"

Do you see the common thread?

Sure, it always ends with him cursing at her. But what about right before that? Can you spot the common action? It is her always giving her opinion without being asked. Sure, it might seem like something so small, but even a little gas on a little fire can make a big explosion.

So, we asked her to try this -> from now on, try to refrain from giving your opinion. When asked something, stay silent and just do what he wants.

So she did, after 1 week, she called and said that he no longer cursed at her. After 1 month of this, she said he never raised his voice to her again.

Now let me ask you, did the guy change? Did he become a different person? Or did she change? This one little change saved her marriage. As long as we can find the little bit of gas in our words, speech or actions, we can often prevent huge explosions.

I hope this has helped you, and I hope I have properly and sympathetically answered your questions.

If you provide me with more details, I can provide a more detailed solution.

Sincerely,

Phra Anandapanyo