Expert: Anandapanyo Bhikkhu - 1/26/2010

Question

A dear friend of mine was just diagnosed with breast cancer. She's one of the most sweetest and caring people I know, and it breaks my heart to know that she is and will be suffering. Her suffering makes me suffer. How do I find comfort, for myself and for her?

Answer
Dear Patrick,

Thank you for you question.

I would like to express my sympathy and compassion for your friend's situation. I also feel for your sympathy for her.

"How do I find comfort, for myself and for her?"

Most people will tell you to try to think positively or compassionately. Some others might tell you to hope for the best.

I would like to offer another possible way of finding comfort. The Buddha taught that everything shows us the truth. Everything exists as truth. When we see things as they aren't that is when we suffer.

All human beings are subject to birth, aging, sickness and death. When we ignore this, when we deny this, we suffer.

You are suffering or stressed because you were surprised by the cancer. You did not expect it to happen. You did not want it to happen. This is out of our control. We cannot control who gets what sickness. We cannot control when we die.

The first step to comfort is to find comfort in the truth. To find refuge in things that are true, not things that are false.

So, the first thing to accept is her getting cancer is normal, that can happen to everyone.

The second thing is to see the truth of this. There are many possible outcomes. She might get better. She might get worse. She might die from something else. She might find peace and comfort in the remainder of her life and change the way she lives.

Now, once we accept the reality of this, we can move forward with our lives. Once we have accepted our impending mortality, we will see the temporal nature of our lives. How each moment is important, cause it might be our last. We can see that each conversation should be carefully chosen and conducted, because we do not know when we will have an opportunity to apologize for it later. With the fickleness of life in our minds, we must chose our words, our speech and our thoughts wisely. We must strive to find the meaning in our lives: whether it is to help others, to help our families, or to purify ourselves.

If we fight with this reality, the reality of our mortality, we will waste our remaining time conducting ourselves improperly. So, the first step to comfort - true comfort - comfort that will generate results that are not fickle, is to accept the truth.

The person facing their mortality does not want to be tricked, or consoled. They want people to help them accept and deal with what they must deal with.

As for you, I would advise you to see your own mortality through the eyes of your friend. Then, you can reevaluate your life choices and find your path. This is the best way to honor your friend's remaining time - by making the best of your remaining time, and to help her make the best of her remaining time.

I hope that I have answered your questions.

Sincerely,

Phra Anandapanyo